ten months of tess!

i know, i know, i say it every month, but HOLY COW! can you believe that my tiny baby is just two months shy of a year old?! i absolutely can't!

i started writing this blog on saturday night, which would actually have been ON TIME for her 10 months, but the internet died sunday, and we didn't get it back until yesterday, so i'm just now getting around to the post. oh well! c'est la vie when you have a kid!

i'm trying to think of what all has changed between 9 months and 10 months. since i've been working and trying to take a little time for myself here and there, i feel like i'm missing stuff (or just don't know every little minuscule detail of every single day). but there are definitely two developments tess has made, first off...

she can climb the stairs. every single one of them. talk about mommy freaking out. apparently when i went to work on saturday, tess started trying to climb up them with daddy, so he TOOK HER TO THE TOP OF THEM??? (no clue why this was a good idea) to see if she could actually climb them... and she could. then (as depicted in the video), the next day, i decided to see it for myself, and she literally climbed up each and every stair, ALL the way to the top. i nearly had a heart attack. now i'm thinking that in addition to the baby gate between the living room and the rest of the house, we need one at the top AND bottom of the stairs! it's going to be like living in an aqueduct.

oh, and it's not the second major development, but another thing she has begun doing is pulling things down on herself rather than pulling herself up... like the grate in front of the fireplace. yowza.

but the second major accomplishment is...
drumroll please...
on 1/26/2011
tess took her first step!
i doubt she's going to be full-on walking anytime soon, but it was very exciting nonetheless! she has been trying to span the gap between pieces of furniture recently, and i see her reach from one piece to another and ponder how to make the distance, but always, she either does some sort of dive to the floor, or she sits down and crawls. this time though, it was different! tess was standing, holding on to the large ottoman in the living room, like she usually does, pulling things off of it, like she usually does, and trying to hand them to me (a relatively new trick). so she grabbed an envelope, and reached to give it to me. i reached out, but had not yet grabbed it, or her hand, when she took one step towards me and then plopped down on her bottom. it all happened so fast that i had to process a moment before i realized that she had taken the step all on her own. i started squealing and clapping and telling her what a great job she'd done, though i'm sure she had no idea what was going on. it was pretty awesome, and i was so excited that i got to see it! of course, i have no picture or video, since it was a total shock, but i'm sure we'll get something soon enough.

as far as daily life goes, tess eats TONS of organic baby food along with cheese, puffs, yogurt, pasta, and some of pretty much anything i'm eating. we nurse in the morning, sometimes in the evening, and sometimes during the day, but she drinks 6oz formula bottles several times a day as well. and all that leads to TONS of pooping. i mean this kid is a poop champion. in a 24-hr period, she poops no fewer than 3 times, usually 4. people talk about their kids "getting backed up", and the other day when i told mom i was giving her cheese, she asked if that would happen - i started cracking up. we can only hope such a thing would happen! i mean i'm not complaining about having a child with an amazing digestive system, but 1-2 a day would be just fine with me!

sleeping and napping is off and on. most nights she sleeps from about 7:30pm until 7am, waking once or twice, but a week or so ago, we had several sleepless nights when she woke up practically every hour. andrew and i blamed it on teething, but so far we still have yet to see those suckers make their triumphant entry into the world. she's also been napping pretty regularly between about 10 and 11, depending on when she wakes up in the morning. unfortunately, as that nap has gotten longer, the afternoon one has begun disappearing, apparently backwards of what most kids do, but this is tess we're talking about.

she is now wearing 9-12 month clothes, which seems right on track to me, since she is between those months, and yet supposedly she is still a shrimpy. oh well, so are her parents.

as far as stats go, we're majorly estimating this month:
head - who knows. cute though! starting to grow SOME hair :-)
length - maybe half an inch longer than last month? not much taller though. :-/
weight - based on our scale/weigh, add baby and weigh again method, we're going with 18 lbs. we WILL make it to 20 lbs by birthday!

...and now the beast has awakened, so i must go keep her from climbing the stairs or pulling things on top of her head. perhaps pictures to come? we shall see!

hi, my name is mama.

recently i have wanted to blog. sometimes, i even have time to blog! and with a baby growing by the second and fast approaching the 1-year mark (eep!), i'm sure i have ample material about which to blog! and yet... no blog. i guess i must have bloggers block. or possibly, i'm just sticking to the thumper rule. not entirely sure which.

see the thumper rule in my life, dictates that i not blog about personally unhappy things that involve others - for example, issues in my marriage, at work, or with my family are off-limits. but i've always been pretty open about blogging about issues in my own head. and i've had a lot of those recently. so why no blog? ...i guess i don't want to sound like i'm complaining all the time. one time a friend told me my blog was "manic-depressive". i looked back through it, and i agreed, but what's the point of writing about the mediocrity? the good - blog! the bad - blog! the mediocre - meh.

i have lots of online friends who keep tabs on baby tess through my blogs and facebook status posts, and i feel like they only know the bad stuff and the frustrations, because, since there is no one who actually lives near me to physically go to, and no one who's off work or available to talk to on the phone whenever i'm having a breakdown or major frustration, i tend to put it out there into cyber-land. and i have realized that the people who read this stuff probably think i hate being a mom, or that i don't love my daughter, or some other awful things like that. when the truth is that i LOVE being a mom, and i honestly believe that i have the best daughter in the history of the world. i, lovingly, believe that she is also one of the worst nappers and most social (great with people, cries without them) kid ever as well, which can be tiring to a person who is alone, in the middle of nowhere, with no other adult to interact with, for a minimum of 10 hours a day. in fact, it is only within the past two weeks or so that she has begun taking naps longer than 35 mins in her own crib, and that of itself has been kind of amazing.

that being said (and the baby still sleeping!), i shall delve, but a bit, into the crazies in my head. i feel lost and frustrated and alone. i feel cut off from friends and family, and i feel abandoned by many of them - whether realistic or not, it's how i feel. i feel like i work so much (either at work or at home) that i am constantly exhausted, yet my house is a disaster, and i'm always running late. i don't like the way my body looks, but i don't have the money to buy healthier food, and i don't have the time to work out. you might think i'm just saying that i don't have the time, but unless i were to do it at 4:30am or 10pm, i really can't. and i've thought about the 10pm option, but i'm just so tired by then (and know i'll be woken up in a few hours), that i can't pull myself off the couch to do it.

i'm frustrated that i stay home with my girl a lot, but i don't feel like a good mom. i constantly wonder if i'm giving her all she needs, if i should be trying to teach her more, if she should be weighing more, why she isn't sleeping more, why haven't i been teaching her sign language, why don't i make her food at home anymore? and i have no answers.

lots of people have asked me recently if i miss teaching. "no, i don't", i say. i miss students, and i miss impacting their lives, but i don't miss institutionalized "teaching" at all. there was a time when i felt like i was in the right place, doing the right thing, being a great teacher. then, it turned into "holy cow, how will i make it through the next 2 hours?" and then, "how will i make it through this day?" and this week? and this year? and every second was torturous, waiting until the day was over, and i could not be at work anymore. when that happened i knew it was time to leave teaching. many days i feel like that at home. i count the hours, then minutes, until 7pm when andrew arrives home. and it isn't that i don't love being with my child, and it isn't that i want a "new job", or that i want to go back to work full time. i don't really know what it is other than perhaps i'm frustrated that *all* i am is mama.

i'm so in love with the fact that tess can say mama, and that she means she wants me when she does. when she falls down - mama! when she wakes up - mama! when she's hungry - mamamamamama! when i've left the room - mamamamamama! when i've gone to take a shower, and dada's watching her - mama! when she's laying on my chest, and i'm pretending to be asleep so she'll get sleepy, and i sense her looking at me, and i open my eyes, there's her sweet face, inches from mine, mouthing without sound - mama - and smiling. i love it, and i love her, and i love that she loves me. but there's no emily left. and i think i'm struggling with that.

emily was in shape. emily rode horses. emily made money. emily had time for friends. emily made great dinners and enjoyed going out to fancy restaurants. emily sang at church, taught colorguard, played he guitar for summer camp, and danced around like a fool to country music and rode the bull at bars! emily was fun and wild and spontaneous.

and mama? people ask me what i've been up to. and i say, "work and taking care of a baby" - and they look at me, expecting more. "yeah but what else?" exactly.

9 month tess and merry christmas!

well, it's christmas eve, and several days past tess's 9 month birthday, but i've been busy living life instead of writing about it! i do apologize for my lack of posting, but between baby, family, and work, i just don't have a lot of time for me - since blogging is pretty much something i do for myself, though i appreciate that you all partake in the reading :-) but that's ok, i wouldn't have it any other way right now.

sweet baby girl is getting so old so fast! she had her 9 month pediatrician appointment this week, and her doctor, dr. mann, basically told us she's a genius (which we already knew). she's way above average for all of her developmental milestones and, in his words, "one of the most social 9 month olds i've seen in a long time." yep, that's my kid!

she loves pulling up on anything and everything. she looks like a rock climber, looking for her next hold and pulling herself along every obstacle. she lets go with one hand, then the other, standing for a few seconds on her own before falling on her bottom. [behind her baby gate prison]

she eats tons of solid foods, including most all fruits, veggis, and starches, chicken, turkey, and beans, and now some dairy like cheese and yogurt. she's still breastfeeding in the morning and evening, but she drinks bottles of formula during the daytime. she's sleeping through the night, with few middle-of-the-night awakenings, and goes to bed around 7:30 and wakes up around 5:45 but will snuggle in the bed for an hour or so nursing, cuddling, giggling, and playing with mom and dad. i love it. it makes me so sad when i have to get up early for work and can't take advantage of snuggle time, but i recognize how blessed i am to get that time with her most days.
tess loves playing with toys, reading books (especially books that play sounds or songs), being tickled, singing the "eensy weensy spider", making faces, squealing and shrieking with joy, meeting new people, waving, clapping, and dancing with mommy or daddy. she says the words mama and dada and knows what several other words mean including no, hungry, and eat. she can pick up little pieces of food with her fingertips and get it into her mouth. she CAN use a sippy cup and hold a bottle for herself, but prefers for mom and dad to do it. she LOVES bathtime, and she does ok for naps. naps have been a challenge her whole life, but as i type, she has been sleeping for almost 2 hours, the longest morning nap i think she's ever taken in her crib! she's moved into a convertible carseat - in "cowmooflauge" print, and we hoped it would help her enjoy car rides more... it sort of does, maybe. i think she's more comfortable in it, but as long as she's rear-facing, i think she'll be unhappy in the car. which, according to dr. mann, will probably be until she's about 18 months due to her weight.

and on that note, 9 month turtle stats!
height - 26.25 in (10th percentile)
weight - 16 lbs 5.5 oz (15th percentile)*
head circumference - 43.5 cm (45th percentile... for her huge brain)
*she hasn't gained much weight since her 6 month visit, which both surprised and concerned me, but dr. mann said it's ok because she is still fine for her height/weight ratio, and she must have been using most of her energy to grow tall instead of wide. still though, i'm going to be pumping her full of formula and food to make sure i'm not starving my poor baby! ...and also to get her in the front-facing weight range as early as possible!!!

these days we have a more normal-ish schedule, definitely for bedtime and wake up time, but her first nap is usually somewhere between 9:30 and 10:30, she eats solids 3x/day, and her second nap is usually around 1:30 or 2:30. occasionally there's a quick third snooze around 4ish, but not every day, and usually that one is in the car traveling somewhere. other than that, we spend our time playing, hugging, dancing, and going places (usually like wal-mart for exciting things like dish detergent). i'm working 2-3 days a week - monday, saturday, and every other wednesday or thursday, so i'm up to 20-30 hour a week at work (which i think i already explained before), which i enjoy. unfortunately, during the weeks that i work 30 hours, the house usually ends up a wreck, and that's embarassing, but what 'ya gonna do??

the only two areas tess seems to be behind in are her teeth - still none showing, though the doctor said when they start, she'll probably get lots all at once, because they're all right there; the other being hair. i don't think she's officially "behind" per se... but i would love to clip a little hair thing in there (no huge bows please, but a little one would be sweet!), but alas, her strawberry locks are probably 2 cm at longest!

[tess helped decorate!]
[and helped pick out and bring home her first tree!]

alright, well the turtle has awakened, and i must get back to the christmas eve festivities! have a blessed christmas weekend!

"For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

8 months of tess!

wow, can you believe it's been over 8 months since my sweet girl made her grand debut?? i can't! she turned 8 months on the 20th of this month, but i've picked up more work shifts and haven't had much time for blogging (or much picture taking! oh no!), or anything really - my house is a wreck, laundry undone, dishes in the sink, and sewing projects untouched since before halloween! eep! [above pic is tess at madeline's birthday party]
but baby girl continues to grow and change and develop! she's already crawling, pulling to standing, trying to balance while standing on her own, and walking across the room if you hold her hands. she's so advanced ;-)

[the progression of a stand]

she's now sleeping in her own crib in her own room upstairs (thank goodness for video monitors!). as of this week, she's going down to sleep on her own when we put her in there, and for the most part without many tears. she is able to soothe herself in the middle of the night, and most of the time, we're only having to go comfort her once during the night, and not even having to nurse then. the night before last, she went the WHOLE night, from 8:44 until about 5:15 without a peep! of course i woke up at 4:30 freaking out that she hadn't woken up yet, but i hear that's pretty normal. hehe. most nights, andrew goes to pat her back to sleep the one time she wakes up because when i go up there, she wants to nurse, so it's been working pretty well to have him go up, and then if she won't go back to sleep in a few mins, i'll feed her. however, at 8 months, she should be able to go all night without eating, so i haven't had to do middle of the night feedings for about a week. i'm so proud of tess the turtle!

naps are still a struggle, more so now that the crib is down so low. she hasn't yet figured out how to put herself asleep for a nap, so she usually nurses to sleep, and then trying to put her all the way down in the crib wakes her up. we're working on it, but it leads to many napless or short nap days.

[tess sitting with her new friend, vanessa]

she's also begun her separation anxiety phase, and gets upset when mom leaves and with change of routine, like when i work more than just mondays. now, i'm working mondays, all day saturday every week, and one more day (usually wed or thurs) every other week, so she has a rough time the weeks that i work 3 days, but my good friend elisa offered some helpful advice and empathy about difficult transitions, and i feel confident tess will do just fine. i'm very tentatively thinking of moving her to daycare once she's a year old, hopefully for a m/w/f sort of schedule. i think that would allow me to work 30 hours a week (and maybe back to every other sat? or just sat mornings? for 35 hours) and give her some good socialization with kids her age and other caretakers. we'll have to see how the money works out on that one, but i think it'd be a good compromise for everybody.

tess now eats 2-3 solid meals a day, but i think she still gets most of her nutrition from nursing and the occasional formula bottle (when mom's not around and neither is pumped breastmilk).

[i love big-girl food!]

we've tried the sippy cup for juice a few times with meals, but she doesn't really understand it and prefers to chew on the soft tip like a teething toy (spilling juice), but she DOES understand drinking from a glass, and tries to drink from EVERY glass mommy and daddy have, so she has had water that way before. not sure how this will translate over time, but i'm sure we'll find something that works, probably trying different cups, and once she's weaned i'm sure it won't be an issue. for food, i still make *some* but not much, and she eats a lot of fruits straight from the fruit itself, but we love ella's organic kitchen baby food because it's just the fruit (or veggie) pureed up with nothing added, not even water, and they taste GREAT! they make strange combos like broccoli, parsnip, pear, and prune (or something), which sound terrible, but taste yummy! so she's been exposed to lots of different foods and flavors. we've yet to start meat, but i have to research when/how "they" recommend that anyway. the american academy of pediatrics now recommends that mothers breastfeed until age 2, but we'll have to see about that.

tess also makes funny faces, sweet noises, and shrieks with joy - usually at inappropriate times. so we've decided taking her to a fancy french restaurant at this point is out, but she's so cute when she does it that i have a hard time not smiling and laughing... even last night when we were out at a restaurant - bad mommy!

and right now she's being so cute that i can't keep typing and must go hang out with her!

[at madeline's party, with mommy and my party hat!]

last minute stats:
weight - about 20 lbs, we think
height - per andrew's measuring tape, about 26.5 in

we have no idea how that measures up against the "percentiles" but i know she's just perfect!

turtle funnies!

ok two funny tess stories, really quick (like if i twittered, i believe these might be tweets).

last night, tess woke up several times during the night. the last time, it was about 7 am. she usually sleeps till 8 or 8:30, and i was exhausted, so i was going to let daddy handle this one, when the crying girl - who hasn't said any words AT ALL in like two months (i even double checked with the doctor the other day to make sure it wasn't a problem) - says, "aaahhhmaaaahh!" i turned to andrew incredulously, "did she just say mama?" he said it sounded kinda like it, and then, like clockwork, she says, "MAAAMAAAAAAA!" CLEAR AS DAY. no doubt about it. andrew laughed and said, "yep, that was definitely mama." HOORAYYYY! and also... crap! how can you let daddy take this one when she calls your name?? it was mama duty again. at least she's adorable :-)

second funny - this morning, i had gotten in the shower (since andrew was still home, and i don't know when i last showered! eep!), and i encouraged andrew to try setting tess on the potty when they got out of bed. well, he begrudgingly brought her in and set her on the little potty. no pee. he encouraged, i encouraged from the shower, and he gave up and picked her up. i looked out from behind the shower curtain just in time to see a 3 inch poo hanging off her bum, and andrew about to stick his arm in it! "THERE'S POOP HANGING OFF HER BUTT!" i nearly shouted. andrew had her back on that potty so fast, and we were all laughing and shocked. poor tess looked a little scared, so i hope we didn't scare her from using the toilet, but holy poo! poop in the potty?! at 7 months?! my child is a prodigy. hehehe :-) i know she isn't *really* potty trained, but seriously, how cool is that??

and yes, i took a picture, but no, i won't be posting it... unless you want it!

rashes, and diapers, and potties, oh my!

we went in to the doctor's office today (to an appointment i almost missed because i was having so much fun chatting on the phone with christin!) to check out a bit of a diaper rash, that apparently could be caused by... our well water?! ugh, this never ends with the water! so we'll have to see if that is actually the cause or not. we got a prescription for "magic butt paste" - yes, that is what it says on the prescription pad, so we may go get that and see if it works... or we may not, since the rash was mostly gone by the time we got to the appointment. it's like your car, never makes the noise when you're at the mechanic!

but anyway, the diaper rash looked sort of like a yeast infection (on the skin, not an internal one), so we followed dr.google's recommendation and used the lotrimin af on there twice a day for a few weeks. i figured this was ok since it's what they had me use when they thought i had a yeast infection on my breast, and it was ok, but i don't know that it did anything - either time. with tess's rash, we tried lots of things, no disposables at nana's house, using disposables in case it was the cloth, using the lotrimin, and the most recent recommendation by nurse jennifer, going nakey-butt all day yesterday and using just water to wash. that was a blast! i'm serious, it was so adorable to see her little naked butt crawling all over the floor all day.

i laid towels down so i wouldn't have to shampoo the whole floor, and we had a great time. we had several bird baths in the sink to rise the diaper area, not using soap, and she even took a nap with no diaper on. the interesting thing about that was that she didn't pee in the crib! so, i thought, i should sit her over the potty when i pick her up and see if she pees in there. well, when i tried to hold my sleepy little girl over the big person toilet, she got confused and started to cry, so i decided i'd just hold her while i used the rest room and i'd try again when she was more awake. well, as soon as i sat down and peed, she peed... all over me... and the toilet... and the bathroom floor! it was hilarious. i had to strip down, and we both took a bath!

at the end of the night, her diaper area, which had been open to the world all day, looked WORSE than before! i decided i'd take her in to the doctor. first thing this morning, before even getting out of bed, i made an appointment. however, last night i had an idea to try having her use her own potty after waking up from sleeping, especially if she's not peeing [much] in her sleep. so i got her very own little potty, and this morning, first thing, i walked her straight to the bathroom and undid her little diaper, and set her on her tiny potty. i said, "ok, go pee-pee!" AND SHE DID!!! right in her tiny little potty! [image from her post-nap pee this afternoon!]
it was the sweetest, cutest thing i've seen (relating to a bodily function). so perhaps we'll try doing this after naps just for fun. don't worry, i'm not deluded and somehow thinking my 7 month old is "potty trained", but it's fun, and why not get a jump start?

so as i took her to the changing table to put on a diaper... the rash was GONE. but i kept the appointment, because i knew if i canceled it, the rash would come back, and i'd be mad. so, we went in, and she weighed in (with clothes on) at a whopping 17 lbs! what a big girl! and we got the prescription for magic butt paste. :-)

hallelujah, the election crap is over! ...for now.

i rarely get political on here, or even much in person, but i just have to say a few things. this election was ugly, as most of them are, and i'm glad it's finished now. the repercussions will be with us for the next two years, and that may or may not be a good thing. i believe hatefulness is never helpful, and although my views are opposite of many of my friends and even family, i don't feel like either being hateful or being silent is the right thing. so today, i'm puttin' it out there. like it or leave it, this is how i feel.

i love our president. i think he is intelligent, well-spoken, and has done incredible things for this country that we've been crying out for. i think his many positive advancements have been overshadowed by a struggling economy, which, if you have read any of my blog, you also know has affected us greatly. however, i don't believe the economy is his fault, nor do i believe that with some magic wand or god-like finger he can instantly restore america to economic prosperity. i believe thinking like that is ignorant, especially given any understanding of economics.

that said, i am resolved to be optimistic with the republican wins because i believe that once we've voted and we've gotten people elected, we need to do the best we can to succeed regardless of the results. plus, who knows, maybe they'll cut my taxes! who can't appreciate that :-P

and for the record, i am not a democrat. i am not a republican. not a libertarian or a green party or a teaparty member. i am an independent, and i vote for and support those whose ideologies best match up with mine.