ten months of tess!

i know, i know, i say it every month, but HOLY COW! can you believe that my tiny baby is just two months shy of a year old?! i absolutely can't!

i started writing this blog on saturday night, which would actually have been ON TIME for her 10 months, but the internet died sunday, and we didn't get it back until yesterday, so i'm just now getting around to the post. oh well! c'est la vie when you have a kid!

i'm trying to think of what all has changed between 9 months and 10 months. since i've been working and trying to take a little time for myself here and there, i feel like i'm missing stuff (or just don't know every little minuscule detail of every single day). but there are definitely two developments tess has made, first off...

she can climb the stairs. every single one of them. talk about mommy freaking out. apparently when i went to work on saturday, tess started trying to climb up them with daddy, so he TOOK HER TO THE TOP OF THEM??? (no clue why this was a good idea) to see if she could actually climb them... and she could. then (as depicted in the video), the next day, i decided to see it for myself, and she literally climbed up each and every stair, ALL the way to the top. i nearly had a heart attack. now i'm thinking that in addition to the baby gate between the living room and the rest of the house, we need one at the top AND bottom of the stairs! it's going to be like living in an aqueduct.

oh, and it's not the second major development, but another thing she has begun doing is pulling things down on herself rather than pulling herself up... like the grate in front of the fireplace. yowza.

but the second major accomplishment is...
drumroll please...
on 1/26/2011
tess took her first step!
i doubt she's going to be full-on walking anytime soon, but it was very exciting nonetheless! she has been trying to span the gap between pieces of furniture recently, and i see her reach from one piece to another and ponder how to make the distance, but always, she either does some sort of dive to the floor, or she sits down and crawls. this time though, it was different! tess was standing, holding on to the large ottoman in the living room, like she usually does, pulling things off of it, like she usually does, and trying to hand them to me (a relatively new trick). so she grabbed an envelope, and reached to give it to me. i reached out, but had not yet grabbed it, or her hand, when she took one step towards me and then plopped down on her bottom. it all happened so fast that i had to process a moment before i realized that she had taken the step all on her own. i started squealing and clapping and telling her what a great job she'd done, though i'm sure she had no idea what was going on. it was pretty awesome, and i was so excited that i got to see it! of course, i have no picture or video, since it was a total shock, but i'm sure we'll get something soon enough.

as far as daily life goes, tess eats TONS of organic baby food along with cheese, puffs, yogurt, pasta, and some of pretty much anything i'm eating. we nurse in the morning, sometimes in the evening, and sometimes during the day, but she drinks 6oz formula bottles several times a day as well. and all that leads to TONS of pooping. i mean this kid is a poop champion. in a 24-hr period, she poops no fewer than 3 times, usually 4. people talk about their kids "getting backed up", and the other day when i told mom i was giving her cheese, she asked if that would happen - i started cracking up. we can only hope such a thing would happen! i mean i'm not complaining about having a child with an amazing digestive system, but 1-2 a day would be just fine with me!

sleeping and napping is off and on. most nights she sleeps from about 7:30pm until 7am, waking once or twice, but a week or so ago, we had several sleepless nights when she woke up practically every hour. andrew and i blamed it on teething, but so far we still have yet to see those suckers make their triumphant entry into the world. she's also been napping pretty regularly between about 10 and 11, depending on when she wakes up in the morning. unfortunately, as that nap has gotten longer, the afternoon one has begun disappearing, apparently backwards of what most kids do, but this is tess we're talking about.

she is now wearing 9-12 month clothes, which seems right on track to me, since she is between those months, and yet supposedly she is still a shrimpy. oh well, so are her parents.

as far as stats go, we're majorly estimating this month:
head - who knows. cute though! starting to grow SOME hair :-)
length - maybe half an inch longer than last month? not much taller though. :-/
weight - based on our scale/weigh, add baby and weigh again method, we're going with 18 lbs. we WILL make it to 20 lbs by birthday!

...and now the beast has awakened, so i must go keep her from climbing the stairs or pulling things on top of her head. perhaps pictures to come? we shall see!

turtle funnies!

ok two funny tess stories, really quick (like if i twittered, i believe these might be tweets).

last night, tess woke up several times during the night. the last time, it was about 7 am. she usually sleeps till 8 or 8:30, and i was exhausted, so i was going to let daddy handle this one, when the crying girl - who hasn't said any words AT ALL in like two months (i even double checked with the doctor the other day to make sure it wasn't a problem) - says, "aaahhhmaaaahh!" i turned to andrew incredulously, "did she just say mama?" he said it sounded kinda like it, and then, like clockwork, she says, "MAAAMAAAAAAA!" CLEAR AS DAY. no doubt about it. andrew laughed and said, "yep, that was definitely mama." HOORAYYYY! and also... crap! how can you let daddy take this one when she calls your name?? it was mama duty again. at least she's adorable :-)

second funny - this morning, i had gotten in the shower (since andrew was still home, and i don't know when i last showered! eep!), and i encouraged andrew to try setting tess on the potty when they got out of bed. well, he begrudgingly brought her in and set her on the little potty. no pee. he encouraged, i encouraged from the shower, and he gave up and picked her up. i looked out from behind the shower curtain just in time to see a 3 inch poo hanging off her bum, and andrew about to stick his arm in it! "THERE'S POOP HANGING OFF HER BUTT!" i nearly shouted. andrew had her back on that potty so fast, and we were all laughing and shocked. poor tess looked a little scared, so i hope we didn't scare her from using the toilet, but holy poo! poop in the potty?! at 7 months?! my child is a prodigy. hehehe :-) i know she isn't *really* potty trained, but seriously, how cool is that??

and yes, i took a picture, but no, i won't be posting it... unless you want it!

rashes, and diapers, and potties, oh my!

we went in to the doctor's office today (to an appointment i almost missed because i was having so much fun chatting on the phone with christin!) to check out a bit of a diaper rash, that apparently could be caused by... our well water?! ugh, this never ends with the water! so we'll have to see if that is actually the cause or not. we got a prescription for "magic butt paste" - yes, that is what it says on the prescription pad, so we may go get that and see if it works... or we may not, since the rash was mostly gone by the time we got to the appointment. it's like your car, never makes the noise when you're at the mechanic!

but anyway, the diaper rash looked sort of like a yeast infection (on the skin, not an internal one), so we followed dr.google's recommendation and used the lotrimin af on there twice a day for a few weeks. i figured this was ok since it's what they had me use when they thought i had a yeast infection on my breast, and it was ok, but i don't know that it did anything - either time. with tess's rash, we tried lots of things, no disposables at nana's house, using disposables in case it was the cloth, using the lotrimin, and the most recent recommendation by nurse jennifer, going nakey-butt all day yesterday and using just water to wash. that was a blast! i'm serious, it was so adorable to see her little naked butt crawling all over the floor all day.

i laid towels down so i wouldn't have to shampoo the whole floor, and we had a great time. we had several bird baths in the sink to rise the diaper area, not using soap, and she even took a nap with no diaper on. the interesting thing about that was that she didn't pee in the crib! so, i thought, i should sit her over the potty when i pick her up and see if she pees in there. well, when i tried to hold my sleepy little girl over the big person toilet, she got confused and started to cry, so i decided i'd just hold her while i used the rest room and i'd try again when she was more awake. well, as soon as i sat down and peed, she peed... all over me... and the toilet... and the bathroom floor! it was hilarious. i had to strip down, and we both took a bath!

at the end of the night, her diaper area, which had been open to the world all day, looked WORSE than before! i decided i'd take her in to the doctor. first thing this morning, before even getting out of bed, i made an appointment. however, last night i had an idea to try having her use her own potty after waking up from sleeping, especially if she's not peeing [much] in her sleep. so i got her very own little potty, and this morning, first thing, i walked her straight to the bathroom and undid her little diaper, and set her on her tiny potty. i said, "ok, go pee-pee!" AND SHE DID!!! right in her tiny little potty! [image from her post-nap pee this afternoon!]
it was the sweetest, cutest thing i've seen (relating to a bodily function). so perhaps we'll try doing this after naps just for fun. don't worry, i'm not deluded and somehow thinking my 7 month old is "potty trained", but it's fun, and why not get a jump start?

so as i took her to the changing table to put on a diaper... the rash was GONE. but i kept the appointment, because i knew if i canceled it, the rash would come back, and i'd be mad. so, we went in, and she weighed in (with clothes on) at a whopping 17 lbs! what a big girl! and we got the prescription for magic butt paste. :-)

7 months!

holy cow, can you believe it's been 7 months (and 1 day) since my sweet, sweet baby tess was born?? for some reason, 7 months seems SOOO OLD! maybe because it's now older than half a year? i have no idea, but wow!

i've been trying to write this post for 5 days now, and life keeps getting in the way, but we got the coolest 7-month-iversary present on saturday (when she was technically 7 months and 3 days) - baby girl started crawling! she looks like an inch-worm, and she still prefers that you just pick her up and put her close to whatever she wanted, but i'm so excited that she's made this milestone! we tried to get a video, but she started fussing during it, so i'll wait till we have a better one. the funniest thing is that the one thing that motivated her to actually crawl wasn't mommy or daddy, or even something really cool like the dog... it was my coffee mug! some days only coffee can motivate me to move too! like mother like daughter, i guess.

other fun facts about the 7 month turtle:
-she loves sweet foods like oatmeal, prunes, peaches, apples, and squash, and has tepid (at best) feelings towards veggis like carrots, green peas, and green beans.
-she loves chewing on things. some of her favorites include any fruit mommy is eating, her pink pleather mary-janes, and her new rubber giraffe that nana bought her.
-she picked out her first baby doll at the store. it has long blonde hair and a pink dress. she cried and was afraid of most of the other ones, especially the freaky ones that move giggle creepily when you walk by.
-she has begun yelling and shrieking in response to excitement - at parties, to mommy, daddy, nana, and grandpa, and it's so loud it'll hurt your ears.
-she is becoming more selective about who she will go to and be content with in groups. she prefers people she knows and those who are interesting to look at but not too in-your-face.
-she hasn't been babbling much in a while, which makes mommy nervous, but all the other experienced mothers out there are telling me it's because she's working on so many physical milestones (like crawling!) and trying to pull up and walk.
-she can sit up well on her own now, and doesn't seem to notice when she tips over and SLAMS herself into the floor. it freaks mommy out!
-she loves music and pianos/keyboards, so we've gotten her one of those to play with.
-she has a book called "whose nose is that?" which she loves, because it has noses of animals which you lift to reveal the whole animal. her favorites are the puppy, pig, horse, duck, and cat.
-she loves textures, so she enjoys books like "tails" with different textured animal tails, and a new one we got her with textures around town (like a brick, a sidewalk, a tree, etc.) she also loves looking at and touching different carpets and the wicker laundry baskets.
-she is wearing clothing anywhere between 3-12 months, depending on the brand, but most of them are in the 6-9 month range.
-i have no idea how much she weighs or how tall she is now, other than to say she seems HUUUUGE to me!


getting into a daily schedule and nightly sleep schedule has been challenging this month. we start getting pretty established, and then mommy goes to work and that messes it all up. she usually likes to nap in the morning sometime between 10 and 11:30am and then again between 2-4:30pm, and occasionally she'll take another one during dinner, but that usually messes up the night time if she does.

she has a nightly bedtime routine that starts with a solid food meal around 7:30, followed by a bath (usually by daddy), a last nursing, and then she goes down into her co-sleeper around 8:30 or 9. recently, we're trying to wean her off night nursings so she'll sleep longer, but it hasn't been going too smoothly. i hear it takes a little, but two nights in a row she woke up at 1:30am and wanted to stay awake until 3am. also, each night before i go to work, she doesn't want to sleep at all. so sunday night, i got less than 3 hours of sleep because tess and i didn't get to bed (and sleep) until after 3am, and i'm supposed to get up at 5:45am. i slept through my alarm and was 30 mins late for work. hopefully soon this sleeping thing will get worked out. we're trying to have andrew comfort her during the night now, because when i'm near her, all she wants to do is nurse herself to sleep, and she refuses to just be patted back to sleep by me, but she'll do it for andrew. i know we just have to stick with it, but i'd really love to sleep for more than 3 hours straight during the night!

we have also started using formula occasionally, when we're out and about, because it's easier than always nursing or keeping breast milk frozen or cool. it also makes me feel a little better because i'm not doing any iron supplements with her (don't really thing she needs them), but the formula has iron added, so she's getting some that way. however, that doesn't seem to agree with her digestive system so well, because recently she's gone from pooping once or twice a day to much MUCH less frequently. eek! we keep loading her up with prunes, but i may have to find out if there's anything else we can do, as she seems quite uncomfortable at times.

well, she's awake now, so i must go play! ... and clean the house, and do laundry, and make lunch, etc, etc, etc.

toys for milestones

How To Choose the Best Baby Toys

nights

tess's nights have been interesting. when she was just home as a newborn, she hardly slept at all, especially compared to other newborns, and during the night she would eat on her regular every two hour schedule. holy cow.

then with the bili-light, which weighed so much that it would pull over her bassinet, she started co-sleeping with me on the couch near the outlet that we'd plugged the box into. she started going longer, every four hour stretches.

the co-sleeping continued for some time, and at 3 months, much to my dismay and probably due in part to the reflux, she was STILL co-sleeping, BUT she had begun sleeping for long stretches at night. 6-7+ hours, followed by 4 hour stretches, and she slept until 10:30 most mornings. people looked down on me for sleeping with my girl, but at least we were sleeping!

then somewhere between 4-5 months, we began changing her over to the co-sleeper (a bedside attachment, similar to a pack-n-play, but smaller), and the sleeping went to waking every 2 hours, with a possible 3-hour stretch in there. ugh. by the middle of the night, we resorted back to co-sleeping in the bed because i was just falling asleep nursing her. waking time became erratic, sometimes 5:30am, sometimes 7 or 9 or 10:30 with no detectable pattern. yuck.

at about 5.5 months, we'd developed a pattern, put her down around 9:30, she'd wake up around 12:30, then it was a 4-hour stretch, and then every two hours until around 9:30am. not ideal, but at least it was a pattern. however, that little sleep began wearing on me, and so andrew started trying to do a middle-of-the-night-formula bottle, which sometimes led to another 3-4 hour stretch, and sometimes didn't. her waking time again became erratic. and that's how it's been until about a week ago.

we decided it was time to move tess to her crib (upstairs - eek!) because she's getting a bit large for the co-sleeper. night 1, it worked like a charm, she went to bed up there, had a middle of the night bottle, and got up in the morning. HALLELUJAH! we were so excited. i tried to get her to nap in the crib the next day, but she just kept waking up SCREAMING and sounding like she was terrified. after several (hours of) attempts, i finally let the poor thing sleep in my arms, where she continued to wake up screaming until she felt that i was still there. we tried again that night, and only screaming continued until i just felt horrible for her and gave up. she would not sleep without being IN MY ARMS for that whole night. i felt like we'd gone back in time because we'd tried to push her to hard. i was heartbroken.

then, yesterday we went to the fair, and so there were no beds for naps. since we were there for 9 hours, not counting travel time, she spent some time in the stroller, slept in the carrier, and slept in her carseat on the way back. last night, we put her down in the co-sleeper, and she didn't wake up except to eat. early in the morning, i was tired and started falling asleep while she nursed. rather than staying in my arms, she rolled over and literally DOVE headfirst into the co-sleeper (don't worry, it's about 2 inches lower than and attached to the bed), and when i tried to straighten her back up, she did it again. so i laid her back in it, and she went to sleep. the next time she woke up, i fed her, started falling asleep, and she did the same thing! so i laid her down (not on her head), and she slept until we woke up for the day!

it's amazing when your baby just TELLS you what she is ready for! clearly, she wasn't ready to be all the way upstairs in her big-girl crib, but she didn't want to stay in mom's bed (which we are all thankful for!) anymore. what a smartie! i guess we'll do the co-sleeper until it's unsafe, which won't be long with the way she's moving around now, and then have to try making the move to the crib again.

half a year?!

tess the turtle was officially half a year old on 9/20, and i kept meaning to write a great blog about it, but i just haven't had the time! i think tess (because she was a little early) tends to have her growth spurts right at or after she's supposed to, so this week has been her 6 month dr's appointment, shots, and growth spurt starting, along with teething, has led her to be a tad clingier than normal, but we're doing well and enjoying each other. right now she's sitting in my lap and my arms are just long enough to type this without her kicking the trackpad :-)

here are the stats:
24.75 in. long - around 20th percentile
15lbs 9.5oz - just under the 50th percentile
head - around 50th (who even remembers the measurement?)

AND i took the sweetest picture of her on my cellphone yesterday, but i have no idea how to hook up the bluetooth to get it on the computer, so we'll have to see if i can get it on here!

teething turtle

this is what teething + frozen homemade pears looks like in the korhonen home:


yay for the new mesh feeder thingy!

oh holy parenting, batman!

holy moly, it's been a while! i know you think i'm a slacker now, but in all honesty, i just haven't had TIME! i have no idea how some mommies are able to blog as much as they do! what i have really come to understand is that each family situation is different, and that all babies are different. some babies are very high needs, and some are low maintenance, and it's no reflection on the parents - several parents even have different babies of different temperaments, which is further proof of this.

at first, i felt like my needy baby was "all my fault" - and other parents did not help that, they kept telling me things like not to attend to her every time she cried or she would be "clingy", or if i would just do the thing they did (swaddle, go for a car ride, force her to cry it out, etc) then she'd be "fixed" - and i just needed to be "stronger" and resist her manipulating me or i'd spoil her. well meaning as they were, they were wrong, and they were wrong to make me feel like i was doing something wrong by following my child's cues. (there were other parents who supported me and empathized, and i'm not referring to them here at ALL!)

the truth is that tess was a challenging newborn. she was induced early, and she was going to get those last few weeks back with mom!

[attitude from the start!]

she demanded to be held and snuggled ALL THE TIME, she was sick - first pretty severe jaundice, then true reflux, which made it all harder, and she HATED being confined to a carseat for any length of time. and she screamed. ALL the time. not just fussed or cried, she screamed. when i was post-partum and hormonal, people kept acting like i was stressed because i was depressed, not because we were having a rough go at it, and they were wrong too. my husband and my mother can attest to that. to top it off, she didn't sleep like a newborn - most of them are sleepy little bundles of mush who nap every 2 hours, but not my child! there were days, at 3 months, when she didn't nap but once a day - and only for 30 mins! a friend at work (who has 3 sons) upon hearing her sleep habits said, "she naps like a 9 month old!" but we haven't gotten to 9 months yet, so who knows what will happen then!

[when you have to carry them everywhere, you get creative!]

but we coped, and we loved on her, carried her, comforted her, slept with her, and attended to her needs. and slowly, starting at about 4 months, she began to relax. she started to be ok on her own for 30 seconds, then 1 minute, 2 minutes, long enough for mom to go to the bathroom alone, long enough for mom to make coffee alone, and we started to get into a groove.

[one of the first times she noticed the mobile in the swing]

slowly, she has started to be ok in the car, sometimes napping, and recently even just playing with her carseat toys alone. she has started being able to sleep without nursing first (sometimes), she has started some solid foods, she's still working on the teeth that have been threatening to come in since she was 2 months old, and just this week, she has begun sleeping on her own, and i didn't have to hear her scream in her bed for hours and days on end. because all of this attention to our baby has taught us a lot about what she can handle.

[homemade squash is my favorite!]

monday night when i laid her down in her crib, she did cry, but i knew she'd be ok. after going to sleep, she stayed asleep, and even after nursing sessions, was fine to go back to her crib. tuesday night, she was sleepy but had opened her eyes as i put her down - not a peep. last night, i laid her down and she fussed for a second, but i gave her the pacifier and patted her back, and she was down. and it only took 5 months :-)

i don't say all of this to shame parents who make different choices for their babies, nor to i say it for a pat on the back, but i say it so that those of you who are in the last weeks before becoming the proud mommies or daddies of newborns will know that i support you. when your little one emerges into this huge world, YOU are their best advocate. YOU have been with them since they began forming from tiny cells. YOU have a gut instinct that tells you what's right for your child, your family, and your situation. and whether it's what worked for us or what was a total flop for us, i support you.

looking back, yes it was the hardest thing i've ever done, but i wouldn't have it any other way. i feel like i know my baby. i can usually tell why she's crying, when she'll cry, and how to make her stop, and because of that she doesn't cry much, she smiles and laughs a LOT, she loves people and isn't afraid of strangers (though i hear that happens later), and is passing developmental milestones like they're going out of style! but more than all of that, i LOVE her SO MUCH, in a way i've never loved anything else in the world.

three month tess!

well we are confused because if you count weeks, tess was 12 weeks last week, but if you count by month dates, she will be 3 months in two days... so we'll call this a three-month update :-)

no official stats from the doctor for this month because she doesn't actually have to go back until next month, but we did a little investigation of our own, and here's what we came up with: when andrew stands on the scale with her vs. without her he is between 13 and 14lbs heavier (this, of course, includes clothes and diaper weight, so she's probably between 12.5 and 13lbs by our estimation. we also measured her using a measuring tape and laying her on the couch. it seems she is about 22.5 to 23 inches. i did not measure her head because... well that's just strange.

tess has already learned and done several new things, which i will try to remember.

• she is pretty good at holding up her head for a while.
• she has rolled over 3 times i think... perhaps more, but one for sure - i have witnesses!
• she smiles a LOT, especially when she sees people she recognizes. these people include mommy, daddy, grandma, and grandpa on the welch side.
• she has met and will look at the dogs. which means she follows things with her eyes.
• she likes the swing sometimes, the jungle (playmat with noise, lights, and toys) most of the time, and the tv all the time - we avoid letting her see the latter if possible!
• she has learned to "kick, kick, kick!" and will make the jungle play music when she kicks it (video here)
• the other day, she finally recognized herself in the mirror and began laughing hysterically. it may have been the best day of my life. it was certainly the best few minutes i've experienced in a while. we tried to get video, but she wouldn't do it again. she's no trick pony.
• while sitting in the car, she began looking at and touching the flowers on her blanket.
• oh, she's growing teeth. she's been teething for about a month now, and you can see the two bottom ones under her gums. yeah, way early. she's an overachiever.
• she still doesn't sleep alone, but we put her down when she's sleeping a lot more. we tried the "cry it out" method and forcing her to sleep other places, but it didn't work for us. we're taking our time and hoping she decides to be more independent soon.
• the prevacid is still working (hallelujah!), which means she spews spit like it's going out of style, BUT she doesn't scream afterwards.
• she may or may not have said the word "hi" - as in... she made a noise that sounded like "hi" and we're going to call it a word.
• she has several friends and play buddies: graham (and his mommy, heather), fiona (and her mommy, jennifer), and madeline (and her mommy, allison)!

AND we went to the pool for the first time today! madeline and allison invited us to go for a swim, and we had a great time! tess fell asleep getting ready for the swim on allison and justin's bed, (we got pictures on allison's camera) then while we were putting on her sunscreen, she rolled over right in front of everyone! we did not get a picture of that - sad. then tess peed in her swim diaper... it got all over the car and me and her, but we laughed and went to the pool, pee and all! for the most part tess did great at the pool, she was not too scared, and the few times she did get fussy, she was either hungry or sleepy. after that, we went to grandpa's house (grandma is at the beach) to wait our the traffic, and tess learned the macarena, which we got a video of! all in all, it was a really fun day! and oh yes, we have pictures!

i'm the mommy, dangit!

well, i'd like to give you a tess sleeping update. after a TERRIBLE night trying to have her sleep in the co-sleeper (where she did stay the whole night, actually), and hearing her grunt and flail and sleep horribly, tess woke up at 5am yesterday and didn't go back to sleep. i hadn't slept the whole night and was just wrecked, so i called mom who came to stay with me.

while i waited for her to get here, tess and i went on a 6am walk. i forgot how much i LOVE 6am in the summertime! i mean i really LOVE early mornings in the summer. i used to get up early and go riding before the sun was high to take advantage of the cool air, and it was just so fresh and dewey, and there is something so serene about that time of day. you have the whole day ahead of you, and something about that early, just-before-the-sun-becomes-scorching time of day that just makes your soul feel good. so despite my exhaustion and frustration, i really enjoyed our walk. tess fell asleep right before i got home, and i left her in the stroller when we got inside. it was 6:30, and i laid down on the couch... and of course she woke up 10 mins later.

my mom got here not too much later, and she (always being my mommy) made me breakfast and we chatted. it was good to be reminded that I'M THE MOMMY, and no matter what anyone else says, i can do what i want with our child, and if it doesn't entail letting her cry herself to sleep, or sleeping on her own if she doesn't sleep well that way, i don't have to! even though i trust doctors (generally) and value their opinions, i don't HAVE to listen to them about how/where she sleeps if i don't want to because she's my child and i know her best.

so, for the rest of the day (as poor tess made up for her crappy night's sleep by taking cat-naps all day), she slept on me, or beside me, or near me... or with mom for a while while i took a nap. and, you know what? that's ok.

cry it out

so up until now, my relationship with tess has been a close, and i mean very close, one. as in, she has been pretty much attached to me since she was born. this started because her bili-blanket had only a 2.5 ft cord that was so heavy it would tip over her bassinet if i tried to put her in it. so, as long as the bili was on her, she was on me. once that week (plus a few days) was over, she had decided she would not be put down - ever. we got the swing out - no. we got the bouncy chair - no. we got a positioner to put in the rocking bassinet with vibration - no, no, no! nothing will do but mom or dad (or occasionally grandma) carrying me, rocking me, sleeping with me. we tried the "s's" - no. we tried walking in the stroller - no. the carseat? NO! we tried just letting her "cry it out" - i gave up when crying it out lasted over 45 mins. it would seem the only thing that works is nursing her to sleep and then letting her sleep on me.

well, at our two-month check-up, dr. mann asked us about this, and basically told us we were going to have to try the cry it out method and be consistent if we were ever going to get her to sleep somewhere else. i didn't know how i felt about that, and the only consolation he gave was "well, she won't remember it" which, i guess, is true.

i mulled this over for a while. i started putting her down more - we got a playmat with dangly toys. this is entertaining sometimes and scary others. i've let her cry in the swing until she falls asleep. this also works sometimes. but i just wasn't ready to do the cry it out method in her crib until the other day when she wouldn't stop wiggling on top of me from about 5 am on, after going to sleep around 1am. i decided that was the end of it.

starting on monday, we had some people over, and tess was overwhelmed, so i took her into the bedroom (even though our normal nursing place is in the living room with the glider) because she couldn't concentrate to nurse and was incredibly tired. so i sat on the bed in our bedroom and nursed her for a few mins until she fell asleep. then i put her in the bedside co-sleeper, and she slept for about 30 mins! it was a revelation! that night, after nursing, i laid her down in there, and she lasted like 3 hours (until about 1:45am) so that andrew and i could actually snuggle! then she slept on me for the rest of the night.

yesterday, i decided i would try the 10-mins at a time cry for naps. nap 1: cry, comfort, cry, comfort, cry, time to eat, fall asleep after nursing for 2 mins, move to co-sleeper (which i will now refer to as "crib" for time's sake), sleep 40 mins. nap 2: fall asleep in sing, try to move to nap nanny, wake up screaming, comfort, fall back asleep on mom, mom gives up and takes a nap too. i did not even try to get her to sleep in the crib. see, last week, she would laugh in her sleep. since starting this "method" she is crying in her sleep, and it breaks my heart.

today, we move to 15 mins. nap 1: i was too tired to care, slept on mom. nap 2: cry, comfort, cry, time to eat, fall asleep after 2 mins, try to move to crib, wake up, mom gives up. no nap. nap 2: cry, comfort, cry, comfort, cry, time to eat, fall asleep, move to crib, sleep for 30 mins. nap 3: cry, comfort, cry, time to eat, fall asleep, move to crib, wake up, nurse for real, sleep in my arms - and here we are.

so far, all i have to say is that this sucks, and i don't know if i have the endurance (or am heartless enough) to stick with this long enough to get it to work and see the results i'm looking for... you know, like getting to sleep with my husband again. this may not be the way for us.

oh, and yes, we have a "routine" (diaper change, song, prayer, lay down)... just in case you were planning on asking.

so maybe i'm kinda crunchy?

so many of you know that when i had tess i was hoping to be very flexible about whether to breast or bottle feed and whether to use cloth or disposable diapers. i wanted to try breastfeeding and try cloth, but i maintained that we would do whatever worked for US despite what la leche or crunchygranolahippy mommies say. we have been breastfeeding exclusively since right after she was born (they gave her formula first thing because of a low glucose, which made me sad but was not really a big deal), and for he most part breastfeeding has been going well. there have been times when i wanted to switch to formula, but i know the inherent benefits of breastmilk, and if i'm being honest, even more than that, i know how much money we're saving by not having to buy formula. so i have continued breastfeeding.

when it came to cloth diapers, i knew there were a million and a half options out there, and i knew that i was not even going to bother trying to use them during the first few weeks because it's just way too much to try and handle being a new mom and worrying about ANYTHING extraneous. so we used (and loved) the pampers swaddlers from the time we brought her home (and she wore preemie sized diapers) until the night we first tried our bumgenius 3.0's. from that night on, i was a complete convert. tess had been on the verge of a diaper rash, which completely disappeared, and we went from the longest sleep stretch of 4 hours to a full 6.5! i was shocked. at first i freaked out, thinking something must have happened to her if she slept that long, but i realized it was just that she was comfortable and didn't feel wet. i mean holy COW. anything that adds 2.5 hours to my sleep is a must.

at this point, i begged andrew to let me buy more. see, cloth diapering can be very expensive when you're building up your supply, but the payoff is long-term as far as saving on disposables and landfill waste. all we could afford at the time was 12 more diapers. this sounds like a lot, as that brought our total to 15, but a breastfed infant uses around 30 a day if exclusively cloth diapering. since this is rather expensive and entails a lot of laundry, i set out on a journey trying different styles/types/brands to see if there was a better method that worked as well for us. we tried prefolds with snappis, prefolds without snappis in shells, fuzzibunz fitted, thirsties fitteds, happy heineys one-size, and i researched gdiapers, grobabys, flips, and just about every brand i could find. i read hours of reviews and considered all angles, and here is what i concluded.

the prefolds do not work for us with my messy pooper. the full-size prefolds are too big to fit her and make her look like she's holding a bowling ball between her legs, and the smaller size are too small and don't cover enough/absorb enough. one of the benefits to prefolds is the cost savings in that you are supposed to only have to buy a few covers and alternate them by switching out the prefold. saves on money, saves on laundry, saves on time. however, every time tess poops, she manages to get some on the cover - EVERY TIME, so this system is no more efficient or economical for us, and i vetoed it. the grobabys, gdiapers, and flips are all this sort of system, where you are supposed to be able to change the insert and reuse the cover, so i didn't go any farther down these paths. the benefits to the flips and gdiapers are that you can purchase and use disposable inserts if you're not into doing as much laundry. the grobabys were a mixed bag in the reviews with some people loving them and some disappointed, and it seemed unanimous that they are not good for babies with thick thighs (which tess has). they were also about $4.00 more than the bumgeniuses per diaper.

the fuzzibunz are a good brand, and from what i hear are a favorite of lots of people. they are also the all-in-one style with an insert, and the cloth against the baby's skin is very soft. we borrowed one from a friend, and i wasn't happy with how they fit tess. one of her reflux requirements is that the belly part of the diaper be loose so it doesn't hurt or make the spit-up worse. unfortunately, i couldn't get it to fit her very well, as it bunched a lot at her crotch and sat too low to be loose on the stomach without falling off. the closures are snaps, not velcro, and though i hear snaps are more durable, i prefer velcro for ease and more customizable fit. the fuzzibunz are also sized, which means you have to buy a new set each time she grows. not as much bang for your buck.

i did like the thirsties fab fitteds, as they are great for ease of use. they also seem very good at wicking away moisture from the skin, so that they should be good for night use. they are made of a very soft fabric, which attracted me to them, but the fabric does significantly pill after a few washes. they are an all-in-one that is really all in one, no insert to replace because it is sewn in. however, they are also not waterproof on the outside, so you have to use a cover, which adds another element/cost/time in diaper change. the other benefit is that the thirsties can be washed and dried, so you don't have to wait for them to hang dry. unfortunately, they are fitted, which means you have to buy new ones each time your baby changes size. cost-wise, they are about $4.00 cheaper per pair than the bumgeniuses, but you do still have to buy waterproof covers, and they're not one-size.

i was attracted to the happy heineys because of their ADORABLE prints - they have cow print! - but they were AWFUL. i would discourage anyone from wasting their money. they are $2.00 more than the bg's, and way lower quality. the laundry tabs don't work, and the rough velcro sticks to and picks other diapers in the laundry. they were a one-size and have 4 different snaps to adjust the size instead of 3, but they didn't fit well at all. the hole for the insert does not have a flap to keep the insert in the diaper, so the soft fabric isn't against your baby's back, the elastic part is. also, the insert bunches and moves. the leg holes leaked, and tess was incredibly uncomfortable in them. the whole time she wore the hh diaper, she was squirmy and fussy. we couldn't figure out what was going on until we changed back to the bg and she went right to sleep without stirring. the one real benefit they have over the bg's is that they can also be washed and dried, like the thirsties. however, this being the only positive, is not enough to make them a worthwhile purchase.

when it comes down to it, for us and our preferences and needs, bumgenius 3.0 one-size diapers are the cadillac of cloth diapering.
[tess models a front-view]they work the best, they are comfortable, come with two different sized inserts that can be doubled up for heavy wetters and night use, rarely leak, and we will not have to keep buying new sizes as tess grows, so once our last order comes in, we're set until potty training for diaper purchases. they are a velcro system, and i have heard that the velcro has a tendency to wear out, but i have also heard that the parent company, cotton babies, will send you a replacement kit. they wick the moisture away from the skin and really absorb (andrew was commenting today on how surprised he is when he thinks about how much the infant insert absorbs while the microfleece feels so dry). they fit tess's chubby little body well, and i only had one leak when i was first experimenting with them.

there are some drawbacks in care, however. as with all cloth diapers, you have to use a residue free detergent like charlie's soap powder, and the bg's require a cold wash, followed by a warm wash, followed by line drying. the inserts take a hot wash and can be dried in the dryer. this leads to lots of loads of laundry and wait time while they line dry. if you keep them in regular rotation though, i find it's easy to get a system down, and they do dry pretty fast. from the reviews i read, if you don't follow the directions on washing to a t, you will ruin the diapers (and waste a lot of money). we found this to be true when it told us to wash our dark pink ones separately SIX times before putting them with the other diapers. we thought this was silly and proceeded to wash them with the others after a wash or two. now our light colored diapers have a pink tinge... oh well, good thing we have a girl. i say this to warn you that if you do buy these diapers, you should really follow the directions. they retail for about $16.95, which seems like a lot until you think about how much you spend on disposables per box.

i think what it comes down to is trying a lot of different stuff until you find the brand/style that works for your baby's body and your lifestyle, but perhaps this will help all my mama-to-be friends if you all choose to dive in to the world of cloth diapers!

the 2 month mark and uncle arun's visit

well baby tess has reached the 2 month mark, and we've gone to the pediatrician to make it official. her stats are 10lbs 8oz (50th percentile), 21in (10th), and 38cm head circumference (25th). this confirms our suspicions that she's a huge pig -- she'll fit right in to our family! :-)

the turtle hanging out with her giraffe. she loves him!

the update for the baby girl's colicky, refluxy attitude is... meh? some days she does great - eats well, takes her medicine well, plays and makes eye-contact, sleeps ok (we're going through a sleep-fighting stage in general, more on that later), and even sleeps for a few long stretches at night, and then some days she does horrible - fussy at the breast, spitting up all the time, fights with her medicine, fusses all day and isn't content unless you're practically doing backflips, and hardly sleeps, becoming especially fussy at night. i've tried to be more productive at home as far as doing laundry, grocery shopping, vacuuming, you know, being DOMESTIC, but most of the time all the time i have to "wear" her while doing so, usually in the moby. here's a shot i got of her when i'd lulled her to sleep in the moby while vacuuming:

i thought it might last a while, and this would be evidence, but she woke up about 2 mins after this picture was taken.

but back to the doctor's visit... based on our observations and on dr. mann's assessments, it seems we are doing all we can for the reflux (the right meds, staying upright, frequent burp breaks, minimizing mom's dairy intake, etc.), and we are well-versed in baby soothing methods and sleep protocols (including but not limited to the five s's, bouncing, baby carriers, warm baths, white noise, vibration, swing, trying to let her "cry it out", kangaroo love, etc ad nauseam, you-name-it-we've-tried-it), and she continues to "thrive" on the breastmilk only diet, and she has checked out healthwise. so, what he told us is that she's probably just a very kinetically motivated (read: active and squirmy, almost thrash-y at times), extremely needy baby, and that we're doing a great job at trying everything and keeping whatever works for us. probably, he said, a lot of it might also be that her personality is quite demanding and that she'll probably always be that way. he also said that every day after the 2 month mark should get easier, which i'm hoping proves true.

i'm always put at ease after a visit with dr.mann. his experience makes him laid-back and makes me confident that he knows what he's talking about. plus, it's good to hear that we're doing a good job, even if she does cry and scream a lot of the time.

also, "uncle" arun is in town from california this week, and he came over to visit. almost the whole time he was here, ms. tess was on her sweetest, most charming behavior. andrew has dubbed him the tess whisperer. she looked at him and smiled and cooed, and was generally pleasant for almost his entire visit!

tess: uncle arun, i love you. will you marry me?


arun: i love you too, tess, but i can't marry you. see the wedding ring?
we had such a wonderful time catching up with arun. he really is one of andrew's best friends, and while we love that he is happy with his lovely wife and kids in california, we really miss him. can't wait for 14 years! ;-)

hey breastfeeding mamas! (current or future)

i love this website! very helpful and informative!

1 month vital stats

today we had tess's 1 month check-up and got to find out her stats. she is now 8 lbs and .05 oz, 20.5 inches long, and her head measures at 35 cm. she is in the 15th, 25th, and 15th percentiles respectively, but considering where she started, everyone still seems amazed at how much weight she's gained, especially since she's exclusively breastfed.

after getting very upset when the doctor told us she was "just fussy" and that it would get worse before it gets better (because apparently the fussiness peaks at 6 weeks), the lactation consultant came in and was once again in awe of her weight gain and piggy-ness. "i know i'm not supposed to judge, but she's a PIG!" she actually gave us some (read TONS) of stuff to try. beginning today, we will limit dairy (though not get rid of it entirely), begin using gripe water, stop using the nystatin, increase the prilosec dose (double it!), start a baby probiotic, continue my probiotic, spread out my daily vitamin from once a day to once every three days, and reduce my milk production - using altoids and vitamin b6. going through them, the reasons are as follows: dairy can be hard to digest, gripe water is a possible remedy for upset tummies with a main ingredient of sodium bicarbonate and other things like fennel and ginger, nystatin can cause gas (and also she doesn't have thrush for sure now), her weight and the upper end of the dose is why we're increasing the prilosec, probiotics for digestion, daily vitamin restrictions in case i'm "dumping" extra vitamins into my breastmilk, and reduce milk production because tess is drowning in it each time she eats - how cool is it that i'm doing that through altoids? apparently peppermint slows production, and the magic number of altoids is 6, paired with 100-300mg of vitamin b6 can slow milk production. i was worried it'd slow too much, but i trust dee (the lactation consultant) and she said she is not worried about that happening with this course of action.

hopefully soon i'll have some positive updates, and we can celebrate whatever it was that works for tess!

must haves for mommies

there are hundreds of lists of things to have for new baby, but nowhere in my many books or checklists did i find things that new mommy needs to survive the first few weeks at home. because of that, there were lots of things i didn't have that, luckily, my mom went out and bought for me so i could deal with healing. therefore, i feel it is my duty to inform you of things that are "must haves" for the new mommy - especially the breastfeeding mom.

1. forget the boppy, the best breastfeeding pillow is the "my brest friend" deluxe positioner. it fastens around your waist with a clip so that it doesn't keep sliding off your lap (the way the boppy does), it is made of foam with two lumps in it for correct positioning of baby, as well as wrist support, which is a must-have when you are trying to support baby's head and when you have your post-pregnancy tendonitis flaring up (as i do). the cover is soft, removable, and washable. it even has a pocket for your breastfeeding accessories.

2. next, to put IN your accessory pouch, the lansinoh brand lanolin for your nipples. "they" don't warn you, but HOLY COW does breastfeeding hurt when you start. i was using mostly the medela brand lanolin, but we bough the lansinoh because it was all walmart had for the diaper bag, and i found it to be much thicker and better for soreness. you MUST have some form of lanolin if you want to be able to breastfeed without crying. just one warning: the lanolin has stained my clothes. there is no warning on the bottle, so i must assume there is some way to get it out, but i wouldn't wear anything you like without covering your nipples somehow.

3. also for nipple care, i recommend getting a set of breast shields. the medela soft shells are the ones that i got. they fit over the nipple and under the bra to keep your nipples from touching your bra or shirt. they have holes for ventilation and foam for milk-leak absorption, and they were a lifesaver during the first week or so when the feeling of my bra or shirt on my nipples was agony.

4. additionally, i would recommend cabbage for engorgement issues. yes, plain old green-leaf cabbage. you put it in your bra, and the coolness feels wonderful on swollen breasts. just be sure to get the green leaf (red will apparently turn your milk pink), and make sure to wash the leaves before putting them in your bra. i did not do this on one occasion, and i had sand on the side of my boob - not what i was going for. i keep the cabbage in the fridge, and it did more good than fancy gel-pads or ice packs.

5. you will also need several different nursing bras. i have 3 that i'm currently rotating through. one of them is very elastic-y, and it's great for going out in because it offers good support and looks nice under shirts. it's an elle macpherson brand bra with the click-y breast cover part that unsnaps to allow nursing. the second is much softer, and is great for sleeping in, and it has the same click mechanism. the third is more of a sports bra style with a crossed front to allow for access for nursing. this one is the least supportive, but when my chest needs a break, it is nice to be able to wear something that's not too restrictive.

6. along with comforts for your top half, there are issues to be addressed for your "undercarriage" as well. "they" don't make much out of the pain that happens "down there" but there are several things to think about. even if you don't have an episiotomy, you will most likely end up with stitches, which need some attention, and i recommend taking ANYTHING they leave in the hospital bathroom home with you (they will have granny panties, ice packs, pads, numbing spray, a squeeze bottle, wipes without alcohol, etc. and anything disposable is up for grabs for you to take home).

7. in addition to stitches, as your uterus goes back to its normal size, you will continue to bleed like a heavy day on your period for a while (they say up to a month i think), and they will have some pads in the bathroom pack as well, however, i would recommend buying a pack of soft-topped pads, NOT the kind with plastic and an anti-leak core, but the kotex kind your mom used to use. the plastic is uncomfortable and can make you sweat.

8. also, i recommend buying a refill of the numbing spray. in addition to the stitches and bleeding, you may end up with hemorrhoids either from pregnancy or labor, or even from post labor pooping, and the numbing spray can be used for all three.

9. lastly, because of the poop issue, i would recommend having a stool softener (not a laxative, but just a softener) on hand as soon as you get home. they will probably give you a regular dose in the hospital, but having it at home is a must, as there can be pain with pooping until everything's back in order "down there".

10. most importantly, have a support system. i have a wonderful one in andrew, my family and friends, and God, but you MUST have people you can call on when you're losing it, or haven't slept, or wonder what the heck you're doing with a baby of your own. i'm so blessed, and i hope if you don't have any of 1-9, you can find a 10 before you come home from the hospital with your bundle of joy.

this list is probably incomplete and partially incoherent, but i'm a new mommy, and new babies eat every 2 hours or more... and my little baby has gone from 5lbs 15oz to 6 lbs 10.5oz in two weeks (usually they're just making birthweight by now)... oh and tomorrow's her due date. what can i say, we're good eaters, and she's an overachiever :-)

birth story

i have wanted to sit down and write ms tessa mae's birth story since before it even happened. i had these ideas about how it would go. "i found myself in labor and took a walk around our yard. it was a beautiful day. i labored at home for x hours and loved on my husband. i finished getting everything prepared. finally i realized it was time to go to the hospital. we went in and were greeted by a sweet nurse and my favorite doctor. though labor was hard, i did it without much medical intervention. i hooked up to the monitors the manditory 15 mins an hour and though i had a catheter, didn't need it for fluids. after a few hours and some pushing, i had a beautiful baby girl of 7lbs 10oz - she was perfect and we got to bond immediately. i saw andrew cut the cord and then she and i snuggled and learned to breastfeed. it was wonderful and now we're home and doing great."

unfortunately, our labor went nothing like i had hoped. and writing about it has become nearly impossible because 1. it's been so long now i have forgotten many of the details 2. the baby won't be content unless she's sleeping on my chest and 3. it makes me somewhat sad to relive how horrendous it was. yes, everyone ended up ok, and i am thankful for many things, especially the fact that i didn't cave to a c-section despite the CONTINUOUS prodding from doctors, but nothing else went to plan. i have tried to be positive and tried to be flexible, and if you ask my husband, he'd probably say i've been both, but inwardly i'm sort of crushed at how everything went.

i went in to the ob for a check on friday 3/19, because they wanted to continue monitoring the baby (though she had no problems) and my bp. it was actually much lower than it had been because i made them take it AFTER i'd been listening to the heartbeat for 20 mins instead of right as i walked in the door. though i had passed the 24-hour urine test, i had 260 on the protein (260 what's, i have no idea), and you have to be at 300 to be considered pre-eclampsia, so i was still considered borderline. they wanted to do an ultrasound to check the level of amniotic fluid (because that can get low with p-e), and on our way to the ultrasound room, the doctor asked "when's the last time you guys had a growth check?" uh... never? i guess that's one more thing capital area obgyn screwed the pooch on. so she said we'd just do one of those today as well. as we watched the ultrasound, the technician (the one who was very uninformative the first time) said very little except that she couldn't get a good angle to measure the head of the baby. after waiting what felt like forever, i started worrying there was something wrong. andrew said everything was fine and not to worry. finally we went to the doctor's personal office where she told us "i didn't even think about this as an option, but your little girl is a squirt" uhh ok... i thought. "she's measuring in at around 5lbs 4oz, which puts her in the 4th percentile. even if that's a little off, we get concerned if they're under the 10th percentile, and since you're past 37 weeks, i've alerted dr. tosky, who is the doctor on call, and we're going to go ahead and admit you to labor and delivery." matter of factly, like i was just going to say ok, sounds good!

what do you mean?? she's small, so you want to take her early?! what kind of sense does that make? apparently, her size could have indicated that she had intra uterine growth restriction (iugr), which means she's not getting what she needs from the placenta. and even though she isn't having any problems, we don't want her to go into distress. i cried. "can't we even wait until tomorrow??" no "but you didn't even know about it before 5 mins ago, and everything was fine, what's the rush??" they didn't want something to happen in the one night i would have gone home. they just expected us to walk over to the hospital and have a baby. BUT i don't have a bag packed. we're not ready. the house isn't clean. her room isn't ready! the bassinet sheets aren't washed! i haven't eaten lunch. they're not going to let me eat. I'M NOT READY! i tear up just thinking about how horrible it was. we convinced the doctor to let us come home and pack a bag, and eventually we convinced her to let me eat a small lunch (i had whole wheat pasta with alfredo sauce and a few bites of chicken in hopes it would help me with what we were going to attempt). i tried to sit outside and be zen. i tried to focus. i tried to relax. but all i really did was panic and cry. i prayed some but it was frantic and frazzled.

we got to l&d around 2:30, and i got the most painful iv catheter ever, placed into my wrist joint and taped to my hand... everyone agreed this was ridiculous, but they left it, nonetheless, for the entire process. i got hooked up to monitors, which also stayed on the entire time. my nemesis, the blood pressure cuff, was permanently affixed to my arm, and dr tosky came in to consult. he checked my cervix and proceeded to tell me it was "uninducible" -- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? i asked, and he began explaining effacement and dilation, etc. i told him i knew what that meant, and i understood that i was not dilated or effaced (i mean, i'm here for an early induction, what did you expect?), but what does it mean that i'm uninducible?? apparently it meant he'd really like to do a quick little c-section, which i understood as he explained dilation and effacement again twice, and then told me my options were to begin pitocin induction or have a c-section. i told him i was NOT having a c-section, and he looked at me skeptically and somewhat condescendingly said i had a less than 50% chance of a vaginal delivery with the odds i was up against and, did i know that this was going to take probably 18-24 hours? yes. i did. so we were moved to a room and began pitocin.

when you're induced you have to be monitored constantly, and you receive fluids constantly, and you are on your pitocin drip, which is increased every few minutes to move your contractions along, with the hope that the contractions are enough to soften and open your cervix. pitocin contractions are unlike real contractions in that rather than looking like a rolling hill on the monitor, beginning slowly, peaking over 60-90 seconds, and then coming down, they are what you call "square" contractions, in that you get maybe 3 seconds of "i'm about to have a contraction warning pain" and then you get to WHAM-O full peak of contraction, and after a while it tapers off.

so we began with the pitocin and the mild contractions, and over the next few hours, upped it until i was having pretty steady contractions about 5 mins apart. dr tosky came and checked me and was optimistic that i was 1cm and 50% effaced. pretty good considering all we were up against. dr. tosky decided that it would be a good time to break my water and "really get this labor going" - so he did. and MAN that was the most disgusting thing ever! people do not tell you how gross it is, but i will. it is GROSS. it feels like you peed on yourself and then sat in diarrhea. AND you continue to drip constantly until you deliver. NASTY. but anyway,we continued to up the pitocin through the evening and night hours, and tosky came in again to check me around 2am (i think... times are shady now). he was even more optimistic that i was now at 2 cm and 80% effaced. we decided to continue with the course and add in a little stadol. i say a little because i only took the half-dose, which was .5mL/hr, but it totally knocked me for a loop. it is a narcotic that doesn't do anything for pain but what it does is put you to sleep between contractions, and i took it so that i could get some sleep during the night, knowing that we were going to have a full day of labor ahead of us still. i felt totally drunk and couldn't really communicate well. apparently though, through all of the labor so far i looked, as andrew said, very zen. i was just trying to breathe through contractions and think about relaxing everything so that we could continue on with our progress. the stadol did put me to sleep for the two minutes between contractions, but it also meant that i woke up in pain every two minutes when the contraction came again. during this time, andrew and the doula were each sleeping, and sometimes i woke up and panicked a bit in my head when i couldn't seem to get their attention. other than a few instances of back labor, which laboring with my arms on the top of the bed helped with, we proceeded this way until about 7am.

at that time, dr. tosky was no longer on call, and he brought in the doctor to relieve him. she was from the centre obgyn (because they share weekend call), so i'd never met her before. her name was dr. clark, and she was wonderful. she checked me, and we were all happy to find i was now at 4cm! tosky even smiled and said that we'd be having a baby that day (now 3/20). he left, and we continued for i think about 3 more hours. during that time, the pitocin continued to get cranked, and at one point we had a real problem, because instead of "piggy back contractions" which happen around transition, and mean you have one contraction that doesn't completely end before you have second one, i was having 4 contractions in a row without them stopping. this whole process was taking about 10 minutes. after a few of these, i told andrew and betty jo (the doula) that i could not take 10 minute contractions (as i do not feel most people could without being numb). they called in the nurse (i think we were on #3 by now), and she said that sometimes pitocin can do that, but that it should work itself out. if it didn't she'd be glad to turn it down a notch. well, we went again, and it didn't, and after looking at the monitor, she proceeded to turn it down a few times until it normalized back into regular contractions. i was a little worried that they'd backed off, but i knew if i continued with 4 in a row, i wouldn't make it through the pushing part because i'd be so exhausted.

a few hours later, dr. clark came in and checked me again. bad news. i hadn't moved in all that time. still at 4 cm and 80%. once again, i was given two options, and one was a c-section. "well at this point, we can either do an epidural and crank the pitocin way up, and hope that with you being numb and unable to tense up, and with the pitocin on full blast, you will dilate completely, or we can do a c-section." i immediately said "i want the epidural." and apparently i surprised everyone, andrew included, and dr clark said i could think about it for a few minutes, but i knew i didn't want a c-section, and i cut her off and said again, "i want the epidural." while i was waiting for it, i threw up (which is apparently a good sign).

by this time, i was on nurse #5, and none of us were a fan of hers. she had been frustrating me for a long time, but she got to the end of my rope when we were preparing for the epidural placement and she kept pushing my head to my chest. "please don't do that" i warned once. she persisted. "PLEASE don't do that." i said more emphatically. i had been very nice to every person at this point, and i hated to change that, but daggonit lady, stop pushing on my head! she did it one more time, and i looked her dead in the face and in my stern, firm, more-than-teacher voice said "STOP TOUCHING ME." at which point, i believe she became afraid, as andrew said she just stood there with her hands on the bed for the rest of the placement. while a small part of me felt mildly bad, the rest of me thought, it's about time! the epidural took 3 sticks to place (way to go anesthesiologist!) - the first one went in, and when he tested it, pulled back blood. what a winner. the second one, he attempted to place in a non-numbed nerve location, as my back involuntarily spasmed, and the third finally went in and worked... at least for a little. having an epidural is interesting because half of your belly is numb, but you can still feel the top half contracting, and then your legs feel like they're on pins and needles, like when you sleep on your arm and wake up to that tingly this-is-not-my-arm feeling. the rather alarming thing for me anyway, was that with the epidural i began shaking uncontrollably. this is not, apparently unusual, but it was freaky.

once i was numb, dr clark told us our job was to sleep for a few hours in preparation of pushing. i believe it was about noon at this time. nurse 5 came in and proceeded to bang around and make noise and prevent sleep from occurring for the next 30 mins or more, until, with andrew at the point of breakdown and wanting sleep, i once again made the cranky-laboring-lady demand that she hurry up and get out because the doctor told us our job was to sleep and she was preventing that. she left, and andrew slept for about 30 more mins. at this point i couldn't sleep because i had begun to feel some unpleasant things. i knew i should feel pressure, but i knew i shouldn't feel pain. i laid there, trying to figure out what i was feeling, and by the time my mom and betty jo returned to the room from lunch, and andrew woke up, i was somewhat panicked in pain. the pitocin was way up so that the contractions were literally non-stop, and the numbness was quickly wearing off completely. by the time nurse 5 bothered to come into the room, i felt like i was literally writhing in pain, and none of my coping techniques were working.

she turned the epidural up to the highest rate i was allowed, and it did nothing. she told me i had to wait up to 15 mins for effect, and i told her again, it was NOT working. then, after screwing around some more, she gave me the induction dose again, which also did nothing, and told me again to wait for another 15 minutes. i don't know where in my body those drugs were going, but they were not going into the right place. at this point, we had a few options, 1. let me writhe in pain and wait for the baby to "labor down" into the birth canal, or 2. start pushing and potentially push for a while knowing that the baby was not yet fixed in my pelvic bones. the nurse had checked me and deduced that i was basically 10cm and fully effaced, and i had a slight feeling to push, so i decided that's what i would do.

well, true to form, nurse 5 disappeared and left me to be in pain for some unknown reason. at this point betty jo recommended i do some non-productive pushing by using my yoga breathing to focus on inhaling and then exhaling by pushing my belly button to my spine. this wouldn't move the baby much but would help me alleviate the need to push. i did this for what felt like a few seconds, but andrew says was like 20 mins, before it was no longer helpful. at this point, my mom and betty jo had both gone in search of someone to help and were being ignored. betty jo then told me to grunt loudly with each breath (basically sounding like i was constipated) and "at least if it doesn't do anything, you'll get someone's attention and they'll come in to see what the noise is all about." so i grunted and groaned as loudly as i could with each breath, and shockingly, in comes nurse-unhelpful. again she asks if i would like to push now. YES! i answer, and she disappears again. so i decide to just start pushing, and magically, she re-appears!

from that point it moved really fast. i was basically purple-pushing, and pushing so hard that i thought i might have an aneurism, but it was working, so i continued. very soon, i got to the point where the doctor was between my legs and told me to breathe through a contraction. i did. then she told me to use very controlled pushes - no problem! that was WAY easier than the opposite. she started raving about how controlled the pushing was and what a great job i was doing. heck, that part was fine, i don't know how other people can push full-blast for hours, because after 20 mins of pushing, i was exhausted and... tess was born!

i wanted to hold her, but they had the special care nursery in there, and after andrew cut the cord and they put her on my stomach for a few seconds, they took her to the warmer to check her all over. though i didn't find out till later, her apgars were 8 and 9 - woohoo! too bad i didn't know that and was freaking out the whole time wondering if she was ok, if she had the right number of fingers and toes, and all i kept hearing was "she has dimples!" i was like seriously people, just tell me if my baby is ok! in retrospect, i know they wouldn't have been talking about dimples if she wasn't, but at the time i'd been in labor for 24 hours and was not exactly thinking clearly.

i have never felt so overwhelmed and proud and happy as when they finally handed her to me. this isn't a good picture, but it does show how i felt, especially for those of you who know that i don't cry. andrew's the crier, but oh did i cry.

i'm sure there's lots more to the story and lots more to tell about what happened after she made her great appearance to the world, but that all took a very long time to get out, and though andrew and betty jo both insist that i made the whole labor look easy (which i find hard to believe), reliving it is definitely stressful. it was NOT the labor we'd planned for, hoped for, or even imagined, but we got our little girl, and i did manage to do it all without a c-section.

tessa mae korhonen
born on march 20, 2010 at 2:42pm
5lbs 15oz and 19.25 inches long

so i guess today's the day?!

we went in for my dr's appt and everything looked good, and they told me they were probably overreacting and to stay on bedrest but it was all going well... and then we had the ultrasound, and it showed that our sweet baby is small - they said like low 5lbs, and that that means she's not getting what she should be from me, through the placenta, so they said we had to deliver today.

i cried, we convinced them to let us go home and pack, and i ate a little, and then we came back and checked into labor and delivery. by that time i was calm and even positive about the whole thing, but then dr tosky came in and was totally unencouraging. he basically told me i was "uninducable" because my cervix is, according to him, high and closed, although according to tuesday's exam that wasn't the case. he basically tried to tell me to just have a c-section, telling me that inducing me would take 18-24 hours and might not even result in a vaginal delivery, and that my chance of one was 50% or less. i told him i didn't care, i was not having a c-section right off the bat.

so here i sit/lay, stuck to the bed, stuck on the monitors, having pitocin contractions and having to pee... i'm trying to be positive, but it is definitely not what we'd hoped for.

i'll keep you updated.

it's NEGATIVE!

ok, for those of you who don't know (because i didn't post it in the blogosphere), in addition to modified bedrest, the doctor wanted me to do a 24-hour urine test. this test checks for protein in the urine. but you say, how is this different from the one you do every time you go to the ob? the difference is that in the one you do where you pee in the cup, they are using a dipstick to check for protein, and it only gives them a glimpse of what you're producing, that is to say, you could be "spilling protein" into your urine at other times of day and have it show up as negative. this test is one of the things they were doing to confirm or rule out preeclampsia. though painless, this joyful procedure includes collecting your own urine for 24 hours and storing it, during that time, in the fridge. here are examples of my collection implements:

the "hat" for keeping urine from actually going IN to the toilet.
this was interesting to me especially because i was not sure how one was to ahem... poop... while using this device. (for those who are curious, it seems it, fortunately, does not interfere with this function, as it only covers a certain part of the toilet.)

after collection, one must pour the collected urine into the urine jug and return the jug to the fridge:

mine was the 3.5L one, and did not have that fancy do-hickey on the top there.
again, i had concerns. how was one to pour from hat to jug without wearing urine? should i be more grossed out about putting the jug back in the fridge? luckily, the "hat" has a pour spout, and i only spilled about 2 drops the entire 24 hours, and to alleviate the fridge weirdness, i kept the closed jug in a plastic bag when it was in the fridge.

this was actually quite a humiliating experience for me, though i'm not sure why. i deal with animal urine everyday, but i was somehow very embarrassed at the thought of anyone seeing the hat in the toilet or seeing me pour the urine into the jug... or actually, seeing me carry the jug or put it back into the fridge. i'm not sure what my hang-up was, but i was really stressed about the whole thing, and when i finished the 24 hours this morning, i was literally thrilled.

not, however, as overjoyed as i was when i got the message that my test was NEGATIVE! yes! exhilaration on so many levels! not only did i not have to do it again for some lab error reason, not only did i not have to wait until tomorrow to find out the results, not only do i have very little reason anymore to worry about having preeclampsia, but i feel so vindicated! finally, maybe these doctors will believe that i just get anxious about having my bp checked, and that telling me you want to induce my labor and THEN taking my bp is not accurate of how it really is!

ahhhhhh. i feel better now.

i go in for another check, with baby monitoring, and an ultrasound tomorrow... but unless they find something wrong with the baby, i'm just going to tell them where they can put the rest of their tests. :-P