cry it out

so up until now, my relationship with tess has been a close, and i mean very close, one. as in, she has been pretty much attached to me since she was born. this started because her bili-blanket had only a 2.5 ft cord that was so heavy it would tip over her bassinet if i tried to put her in it. so, as long as the bili was on her, she was on me. once that week (plus a few days) was over, she had decided she would not be put down - ever. we got the swing out - no. we got the bouncy chair - no. we got a positioner to put in the rocking bassinet with vibration - no, no, no! nothing will do but mom or dad (or occasionally grandma) carrying me, rocking me, sleeping with me. we tried the "s's" - no. we tried walking in the stroller - no. the carseat? NO! we tried just letting her "cry it out" - i gave up when crying it out lasted over 45 mins. it would seem the only thing that works is nursing her to sleep and then letting her sleep on me.

well, at our two-month check-up, dr. mann asked us about this, and basically told us we were going to have to try the cry it out method and be consistent if we were ever going to get her to sleep somewhere else. i didn't know how i felt about that, and the only consolation he gave was "well, she won't remember it" which, i guess, is true.

i mulled this over for a while. i started putting her down more - we got a playmat with dangly toys. this is entertaining sometimes and scary others. i've let her cry in the swing until she falls asleep. this also works sometimes. but i just wasn't ready to do the cry it out method in her crib until the other day when she wouldn't stop wiggling on top of me from about 5 am on, after going to sleep around 1am. i decided that was the end of it.

starting on monday, we had some people over, and tess was overwhelmed, so i took her into the bedroom (even though our normal nursing place is in the living room with the glider) because she couldn't concentrate to nurse and was incredibly tired. so i sat on the bed in our bedroom and nursed her for a few mins until she fell asleep. then i put her in the bedside co-sleeper, and she slept for about 30 mins! it was a revelation! that night, after nursing, i laid her down in there, and she lasted like 3 hours (until about 1:45am) so that andrew and i could actually snuggle! then she slept on me for the rest of the night.

yesterday, i decided i would try the 10-mins at a time cry for naps. nap 1: cry, comfort, cry, comfort, cry, time to eat, fall asleep after nursing for 2 mins, move to co-sleeper (which i will now refer to as "crib" for time's sake), sleep 40 mins. nap 2: fall asleep in sing, try to move to nap nanny, wake up screaming, comfort, fall back asleep on mom, mom gives up and takes a nap too. i did not even try to get her to sleep in the crib. see, last week, she would laugh in her sleep. since starting this "method" she is crying in her sleep, and it breaks my heart.

today, we move to 15 mins. nap 1: i was too tired to care, slept on mom. nap 2: cry, comfort, cry, time to eat, fall asleep after 2 mins, try to move to crib, wake up, mom gives up. no nap. nap 2: cry, comfort, cry, comfort, cry, time to eat, fall asleep, move to crib, sleep for 30 mins. nap 3: cry, comfort, cry, time to eat, fall asleep, move to crib, wake up, nurse for real, sleep in my arms - and here we are.

so far, all i have to say is that this sucks, and i don't know if i have the endurance (or am heartless enough) to stick with this long enough to get it to work and see the results i'm looking for... you know, like getting to sleep with my husband again. this may not be the way for us.

oh, and yes, we have a "routine" (diaper change, song, prayer, lay down)... just in case you were planning on asking.