hilarious link!

hah! if you love pregnant people, or photography, or laughing, and especially if you love all three... this blog post is HILARIOUS!

and in case the link doesn't work for some reason, here's the link: http://pregnantchicken.squarespace.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2010/12/10/awkward-pregnancy-photos.html

birth story

i have wanted to sit down and write ms tessa mae's birth story since before it even happened. i had these ideas about how it would go. "i found myself in labor and took a walk around our yard. it was a beautiful day. i labored at home for x hours and loved on my husband. i finished getting everything prepared. finally i realized it was time to go to the hospital. we went in and were greeted by a sweet nurse and my favorite doctor. though labor was hard, i did it without much medical intervention. i hooked up to the monitors the manditory 15 mins an hour and though i had a catheter, didn't need it for fluids. after a few hours and some pushing, i had a beautiful baby girl of 7lbs 10oz - she was perfect and we got to bond immediately. i saw andrew cut the cord and then she and i snuggled and learned to breastfeed. it was wonderful and now we're home and doing great."

unfortunately, our labor went nothing like i had hoped. and writing about it has become nearly impossible because 1. it's been so long now i have forgotten many of the details 2. the baby won't be content unless she's sleeping on my chest and 3. it makes me somewhat sad to relive how horrendous it was. yes, everyone ended up ok, and i am thankful for many things, especially the fact that i didn't cave to a c-section despite the CONTINUOUS prodding from doctors, but nothing else went to plan. i have tried to be positive and tried to be flexible, and if you ask my husband, he'd probably say i've been both, but inwardly i'm sort of crushed at how everything went.

i went in to the ob for a check on friday 3/19, because they wanted to continue monitoring the baby (though she had no problems) and my bp. it was actually much lower than it had been because i made them take it AFTER i'd been listening to the heartbeat for 20 mins instead of right as i walked in the door. though i had passed the 24-hour urine test, i had 260 on the protein (260 what's, i have no idea), and you have to be at 300 to be considered pre-eclampsia, so i was still considered borderline. they wanted to do an ultrasound to check the level of amniotic fluid (because that can get low with p-e), and on our way to the ultrasound room, the doctor asked "when's the last time you guys had a growth check?" uh... never? i guess that's one more thing capital area obgyn screwed the pooch on. so she said we'd just do one of those today as well. as we watched the ultrasound, the technician (the one who was very uninformative the first time) said very little except that she couldn't get a good angle to measure the head of the baby. after waiting what felt like forever, i started worrying there was something wrong. andrew said everything was fine and not to worry. finally we went to the doctor's personal office where she told us "i didn't even think about this as an option, but your little girl is a squirt" uhh ok... i thought. "she's measuring in at around 5lbs 4oz, which puts her in the 4th percentile. even if that's a little off, we get concerned if they're under the 10th percentile, and since you're past 37 weeks, i've alerted dr. tosky, who is the doctor on call, and we're going to go ahead and admit you to labor and delivery." matter of factly, like i was just going to say ok, sounds good!

what do you mean?? she's small, so you want to take her early?! what kind of sense does that make? apparently, her size could have indicated that she had intra uterine growth restriction (iugr), which means she's not getting what she needs from the placenta. and even though she isn't having any problems, we don't want her to go into distress. i cried. "can't we even wait until tomorrow??" no "but you didn't even know about it before 5 mins ago, and everything was fine, what's the rush??" they didn't want something to happen in the one night i would have gone home. they just expected us to walk over to the hospital and have a baby. BUT i don't have a bag packed. we're not ready. the house isn't clean. her room isn't ready! the bassinet sheets aren't washed! i haven't eaten lunch. they're not going to let me eat. I'M NOT READY! i tear up just thinking about how horrible it was. we convinced the doctor to let us come home and pack a bag, and eventually we convinced her to let me eat a small lunch (i had whole wheat pasta with alfredo sauce and a few bites of chicken in hopes it would help me with what we were going to attempt). i tried to sit outside and be zen. i tried to focus. i tried to relax. but all i really did was panic and cry. i prayed some but it was frantic and frazzled.

we got to l&d around 2:30, and i got the most painful iv catheter ever, placed into my wrist joint and taped to my hand... everyone agreed this was ridiculous, but they left it, nonetheless, for the entire process. i got hooked up to monitors, which also stayed on the entire time. my nemesis, the blood pressure cuff, was permanently affixed to my arm, and dr tosky came in to consult. he checked my cervix and proceeded to tell me it was "uninducible" -- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? i asked, and he began explaining effacement and dilation, etc. i told him i knew what that meant, and i understood that i was not dilated or effaced (i mean, i'm here for an early induction, what did you expect?), but what does it mean that i'm uninducible?? apparently it meant he'd really like to do a quick little c-section, which i understood as he explained dilation and effacement again twice, and then told me my options were to begin pitocin induction or have a c-section. i told him i was NOT having a c-section, and he looked at me skeptically and somewhat condescendingly said i had a less than 50% chance of a vaginal delivery with the odds i was up against and, did i know that this was going to take probably 18-24 hours? yes. i did. so we were moved to a room and began pitocin.

when you're induced you have to be monitored constantly, and you receive fluids constantly, and you are on your pitocin drip, which is increased every few minutes to move your contractions along, with the hope that the contractions are enough to soften and open your cervix. pitocin contractions are unlike real contractions in that rather than looking like a rolling hill on the monitor, beginning slowly, peaking over 60-90 seconds, and then coming down, they are what you call "square" contractions, in that you get maybe 3 seconds of "i'm about to have a contraction warning pain" and then you get to WHAM-O full peak of contraction, and after a while it tapers off.

so we began with the pitocin and the mild contractions, and over the next few hours, upped it until i was having pretty steady contractions about 5 mins apart. dr tosky came and checked me and was optimistic that i was 1cm and 50% effaced. pretty good considering all we were up against. dr. tosky decided that it would be a good time to break my water and "really get this labor going" - so he did. and MAN that was the most disgusting thing ever! people do not tell you how gross it is, but i will. it is GROSS. it feels like you peed on yourself and then sat in diarrhea. AND you continue to drip constantly until you deliver. NASTY. but anyway,we continued to up the pitocin through the evening and night hours, and tosky came in again to check me around 2am (i think... times are shady now). he was even more optimistic that i was now at 2 cm and 80% effaced. we decided to continue with the course and add in a little stadol. i say a little because i only took the half-dose, which was .5mL/hr, but it totally knocked me for a loop. it is a narcotic that doesn't do anything for pain but what it does is put you to sleep between contractions, and i took it so that i could get some sleep during the night, knowing that we were going to have a full day of labor ahead of us still. i felt totally drunk and couldn't really communicate well. apparently though, through all of the labor so far i looked, as andrew said, very zen. i was just trying to breathe through contractions and think about relaxing everything so that we could continue on with our progress. the stadol did put me to sleep for the two minutes between contractions, but it also meant that i woke up in pain every two minutes when the contraction came again. during this time, andrew and the doula were each sleeping, and sometimes i woke up and panicked a bit in my head when i couldn't seem to get their attention. other than a few instances of back labor, which laboring with my arms on the top of the bed helped with, we proceeded this way until about 7am.

at that time, dr. tosky was no longer on call, and he brought in the doctor to relieve him. she was from the centre obgyn (because they share weekend call), so i'd never met her before. her name was dr. clark, and she was wonderful. she checked me, and we were all happy to find i was now at 4cm! tosky even smiled and said that we'd be having a baby that day (now 3/20). he left, and we continued for i think about 3 more hours. during that time, the pitocin continued to get cranked, and at one point we had a real problem, because instead of "piggy back contractions" which happen around transition, and mean you have one contraction that doesn't completely end before you have second one, i was having 4 contractions in a row without them stopping. this whole process was taking about 10 minutes. after a few of these, i told andrew and betty jo (the doula) that i could not take 10 minute contractions (as i do not feel most people could without being numb). they called in the nurse (i think we were on #3 by now), and she said that sometimes pitocin can do that, but that it should work itself out. if it didn't she'd be glad to turn it down a notch. well, we went again, and it didn't, and after looking at the monitor, she proceeded to turn it down a few times until it normalized back into regular contractions. i was a little worried that they'd backed off, but i knew if i continued with 4 in a row, i wouldn't make it through the pushing part because i'd be so exhausted.

a few hours later, dr. clark came in and checked me again. bad news. i hadn't moved in all that time. still at 4 cm and 80%. once again, i was given two options, and one was a c-section. "well at this point, we can either do an epidural and crank the pitocin way up, and hope that with you being numb and unable to tense up, and with the pitocin on full blast, you will dilate completely, or we can do a c-section." i immediately said "i want the epidural." and apparently i surprised everyone, andrew included, and dr clark said i could think about it for a few minutes, but i knew i didn't want a c-section, and i cut her off and said again, "i want the epidural." while i was waiting for it, i threw up (which is apparently a good sign).

by this time, i was on nurse #5, and none of us were a fan of hers. she had been frustrating me for a long time, but she got to the end of my rope when we were preparing for the epidural placement and she kept pushing my head to my chest. "please don't do that" i warned once. she persisted. "PLEASE don't do that." i said more emphatically. i had been very nice to every person at this point, and i hated to change that, but daggonit lady, stop pushing on my head! she did it one more time, and i looked her dead in the face and in my stern, firm, more-than-teacher voice said "STOP TOUCHING ME." at which point, i believe she became afraid, as andrew said she just stood there with her hands on the bed for the rest of the placement. while a small part of me felt mildly bad, the rest of me thought, it's about time! the epidural took 3 sticks to place (way to go anesthesiologist!) - the first one went in, and when he tested it, pulled back blood. what a winner. the second one, he attempted to place in a non-numbed nerve location, as my back involuntarily spasmed, and the third finally went in and worked... at least for a little. having an epidural is interesting because half of your belly is numb, but you can still feel the top half contracting, and then your legs feel like they're on pins and needles, like when you sleep on your arm and wake up to that tingly this-is-not-my-arm feeling. the rather alarming thing for me anyway, was that with the epidural i began shaking uncontrollably. this is not, apparently unusual, but it was freaky.

once i was numb, dr clark told us our job was to sleep for a few hours in preparation of pushing. i believe it was about noon at this time. nurse 5 came in and proceeded to bang around and make noise and prevent sleep from occurring for the next 30 mins or more, until, with andrew at the point of breakdown and wanting sleep, i once again made the cranky-laboring-lady demand that she hurry up and get out because the doctor told us our job was to sleep and she was preventing that. she left, and andrew slept for about 30 more mins. at this point i couldn't sleep because i had begun to feel some unpleasant things. i knew i should feel pressure, but i knew i shouldn't feel pain. i laid there, trying to figure out what i was feeling, and by the time my mom and betty jo returned to the room from lunch, and andrew woke up, i was somewhat panicked in pain. the pitocin was way up so that the contractions were literally non-stop, and the numbness was quickly wearing off completely. by the time nurse 5 bothered to come into the room, i felt like i was literally writhing in pain, and none of my coping techniques were working.

she turned the epidural up to the highest rate i was allowed, and it did nothing. she told me i had to wait up to 15 mins for effect, and i told her again, it was NOT working. then, after screwing around some more, she gave me the induction dose again, which also did nothing, and told me again to wait for another 15 minutes. i don't know where in my body those drugs were going, but they were not going into the right place. at this point, we had a few options, 1. let me writhe in pain and wait for the baby to "labor down" into the birth canal, or 2. start pushing and potentially push for a while knowing that the baby was not yet fixed in my pelvic bones. the nurse had checked me and deduced that i was basically 10cm and fully effaced, and i had a slight feeling to push, so i decided that's what i would do.

well, true to form, nurse 5 disappeared and left me to be in pain for some unknown reason. at this point betty jo recommended i do some non-productive pushing by using my yoga breathing to focus on inhaling and then exhaling by pushing my belly button to my spine. this wouldn't move the baby much but would help me alleviate the need to push. i did this for what felt like a few seconds, but andrew says was like 20 mins, before it was no longer helpful. at this point, my mom and betty jo had both gone in search of someone to help and were being ignored. betty jo then told me to grunt loudly with each breath (basically sounding like i was constipated) and "at least if it doesn't do anything, you'll get someone's attention and they'll come in to see what the noise is all about." so i grunted and groaned as loudly as i could with each breath, and shockingly, in comes nurse-unhelpful. again she asks if i would like to push now. YES! i answer, and she disappears again. so i decide to just start pushing, and magically, she re-appears!

from that point it moved really fast. i was basically purple-pushing, and pushing so hard that i thought i might have an aneurism, but it was working, so i continued. very soon, i got to the point where the doctor was between my legs and told me to breathe through a contraction. i did. then she told me to use very controlled pushes - no problem! that was WAY easier than the opposite. she started raving about how controlled the pushing was and what a great job i was doing. heck, that part was fine, i don't know how other people can push full-blast for hours, because after 20 mins of pushing, i was exhausted and... tess was born!

i wanted to hold her, but they had the special care nursery in there, and after andrew cut the cord and they put her on my stomach for a few seconds, they took her to the warmer to check her all over. though i didn't find out till later, her apgars were 8 and 9 - woohoo! too bad i didn't know that and was freaking out the whole time wondering if she was ok, if she had the right number of fingers and toes, and all i kept hearing was "she has dimples!" i was like seriously people, just tell me if my baby is ok! in retrospect, i know they wouldn't have been talking about dimples if she wasn't, but at the time i'd been in labor for 24 hours and was not exactly thinking clearly.

i have never felt so overwhelmed and proud and happy as when they finally handed her to me. this isn't a good picture, but it does show how i felt, especially for those of you who know that i don't cry. andrew's the crier, but oh did i cry.

i'm sure there's lots more to the story and lots more to tell about what happened after she made her great appearance to the world, but that all took a very long time to get out, and though andrew and betty jo both insist that i made the whole labor look easy (which i find hard to believe), reliving it is definitely stressful. it was NOT the labor we'd planned for, hoped for, or even imagined, but we got our little girl, and i did manage to do it all without a c-section.

tessa mae korhonen
born on march 20, 2010 at 2:42pm
5lbs 15oz and 19.25 inches long

so i guess today's the day?!

we went in for my dr's appt and everything looked good, and they told me they were probably overreacting and to stay on bedrest but it was all going well... and then we had the ultrasound, and it showed that our sweet baby is small - they said like low 5lbs, and that that means she's not getting what she should be from me, through the placenta, so they said we had to deliver today.

i cried, we convinced them to let us go home and pack, and i ate a little, and then we came back and checked into labor and delivery. by that time i was calm and even positive about the whole thing, but then dr tosky came in and was totally unencouraging. he basically told me i was "uninducable" because my cervix is, according to him, high and closed, although according to tuesday's exam that wasn't the case. he basically tried to tell me to just have a c-section, telling me that inducing me would take 18-24 hours and might not even result in a vaginal delivery, and that my chance of one was 50% or less. i told him i didn't care, i was not having a c-section right off the bat.

so here i sit/lay, stuck to the bed, stuck on the monitors, having pitocin contractions and having to pee... i'm trying to be positive, but it is definitely not what we'd hoped for.

i'll keep you updated.

it's NEGATIVE!

ok, for those of you who don't know (because i didn't post it in the blogosphere), in addition to modified bedrest, the doctor wanted me to do a 24-hour urine test. this test checks for protein in the urine. but you say, how is this different from the one you do every time you go to the ob? the difference is that in the one you do where you pee in the cup, they are using a dipstick to check for protein, and it only gives them a glimpse of what you're producing, that is to say, you could be "spilling protein" into your urine at other times of day and have it show up as negative. this test is one of the things they were doing to confirm or rule out preeclampsia. though painless, this joyful procedure includes collecting your own urine for 24 hours and storing it, during that time, in the fridge. here are examples of my collection implements:

the "hat" for keeping urine from actually going IN to the toilet.
this was interesting to me especially because i was not sure how one was to ahem... poop... while using this device. (for those who are curious, it seems it, fortunately, does not interfere with this function, as it only covers a certain part of the toilet.)

after collection, one must pour the collected urine into the urine jug and return the jug to the fridge:

mine was the 3.5L one, and did not have that fancy do-hickey on the top there.
again, i had concerns. how was one to pour from hat to jug without wearing urine? should i be more grossed out about putting the jug back in the fridge? luckily, the "hat" has a pour spout, and i only spilled about 2 drops the entire 24 hours, and to alleviate the fridge weirdness, i kept the closed jug in a plastic bag when it was in the fridge.

this was actually quite a humiliating experience for me, though i'm not sure why. i deal with animal urine everyday, but i was somehow very embarrassed at the thought of anyone seeing the hat in the toilet or seeing me pour the urine into the jug... or actually, seeing me carry the jug or put it back into the fridge. i'm not sure what my hang-up was, but i was really stressed about the whole thing, and when i finished the 24 hours this morning, i was literally thrilled.

not, however, as overjoyed as i was when i got the message that my test was NEGATIVE! yes! exhilaration on so many levels! not only did i not have to do it again for some lab error reason, not only did i not have to wait until tomorrow to find out the results, not only do i have very little reason anymore to worry about having preeclampsia, but i feel so vindicated! finally, maybe these doctors will believe that i just get anxious about having my bp checked, and that telling me you want to induce my labor and THEN taking my bp is not accurate of how it really is!

ahhhhhh. i feel better now.

i go in for another check, with baby monitoring, and an ultrasound tomorrow... but unless they find something wrong with the baby, i'm just going to tell them where they can put the rest of their tests. :-P

nope, no good news

only bad news. bad bp. had to be monitored again... LONG story but i don't think it was as bad as they said it was due to the fact that they kept taking it after stressing me out (ie. right after telling me if i had pre-eclampsia they might have to induce me, but that's ok because i'm 37 weeks along, now let's take your bp - wtf?!). now i am on modified bedrest. with no definition of what that means. she said i can't vacuum or go grocery shopping, and when i asked about taking walks she said no... but i have no idea what else it means.

all this time i have been just wishing i could be done being pregnant and now i just want to be pregnant until it's OUR time. until my baby and my body decide together to go into labor. not when THEY want to induce me, or when THEY say i need to.

just so you don't worry, the baby is fine, the only thing that is awry is my bp. no protein in my urine, normal bloodwork, normal (very healthy and active) baby activity. just my stupid blood pressure.

that's the story in a nutshell. sorry for being brief, but it makes me so angry to think about, and i'm supposed to be getting my blood pressure down, so you see i can't rehash the whole thing right now.

thanks to those who've been so supportive.

i guess there is one small light at the end of this tunnel for today - when they checked me (you know, since "we might have to induce you") i was 1cm dilated, 30% effaced, and at -2 station, which isn't a horrible place to be for 37 weeks. also, tonight especially, i have felt intense pressure (you know, "down there") from the baby and her movements. i haven't had any contractions (at least not that i know of), but she is workin' it in my low, LOW abdominal/perineal area. perhaps she'll send me into labor and i won't have to worry about any of this any longer.

labor and delivery practice run: take 2

andrew and i are becoming very comfortable with the steps necessary to be admitted to labor and delivery, and all before any labor! how exciting (sarcasm). last time, i was admitted to l&d because i was very sick and not sure if i had felt the baby moving. as soon as we left, she started moving, and we basically got admitted so that a nurse could monitor me and tell me, yes, she was moving. we were pretty unhappy with the treatment we received and with the fact that the doctor didn't even bother showing up. our experience this time was better.

this time, sunday, i had felt crappy all day, just not feeling good, very tired, lacking energy, swelling without real reason, and later in the night i felt like my blood pressure might be raised. we went to walmart because we knew they had a bp monitor, and the machine read mine as VERY high... this could be in part because it smooshed my arm so tightly i almost hit the cancel button, and it turned my arm a bright red. we checked andrew's bp too, just to see, and his was normal, so we decided to just buy an at-home bp monitor. we took mine in the car a few times, and then once we got home, and it was staying high, so we reluctantly called the ob. as you know, i've been less than thrilled with my ob, so it was begrudgingly that i made the phone call.

to my surprise and joy, the person on call was from the other practice that shares weekend call with my ob. he returned my call very quickly and was kind and understanding on the phone. he recommended i come in to l&d and promised he would actually make an appearance. i was a little upset because i know that high bp with some of the other symptoms i was having could lead to preeclampsia, and i also knew if it was bad enough, they will make you deliver (at the time i was pretty sure that would mean they'd make me have a c-section), so while i wasn't convinced that my bp was really a big deal, i was pretty scared about what would happen.

we checked in to an extremely helpful security guard, went to the waiting room, and were checked in to triage by a very nice nurse named lisa (or tina - andrew thinks it's tina). other than putting on the monitors REALLY tightly, she was wonderful. she made me very comfortable, answered any and all questions we asked, and was very attentive. i got more nervous when she started asking me questions that had to do with actually delivering like "do you have access to a carseat?" - eek! that made it feel like they were definitely going to have me have this baby right then, but i also knew it was just standard questioning given my reason for admission and my current gestation. my bp was still elevated, but she had me lay on my left side and over time it began coming down. i met the doctor from the other practice, who was very kind, and he recommended bloodwork just to be sure (i had already peed in the cup, which came out ok), so andrew and i sat around and waited for the phlebotomist, then we waited around for the results of the bloodwork, which were fine, then for the paperwork person, then for the doctor to discharge us, then for the nurse to return with our discharge paperwork, and THEN we were on our way again. i have to say, it was a much MUCH better experience than the first time, and it gave me more peace about delivering at rex. perhaps silly things like this need to happen so that bigger things (like delivery) aren't so scary for us.

i have my 37 week ob check today, so we'll see if anything exciting has happened this afternoon!

evidence of bob

when i got up yesterday morning, i took a picture as soon as i got out of bed, which showed bob very low. however, this picture had me with no shirt on and will not make an appearance on the internet! this, on the other hand is my belly (still somewhat lower) about 3 mins later.
because she seems to be confused, andrew put a sticker on my belly to direct her towards the exit.

consider this my "week 37" pic. it's only a day early, and i don't feel like taking pictures today :-P

the secret's out! her name is... BOB!

ok, so not really, but i bet that got your attention, and there is a story behind her new "name". when i was in-utero, my parents called me ralph. i have always loved that i had a fun little name like that, and whenever i hear the name ralph i chuckle inside a little. now i wonder if that name didn't have more significance, you know like a reason behind naming me ralph BESIDES my dad being a goofball. perhaps it had to do with my mother's morning sickness? i'm sure we'll find out, but let me tell you why i have (by myself, without andrew's permission) named our child bob.

first, let me start off by saying that i was an absolute insomniac last night, and i doubt it had to do with not being tired enough because i had a big day yesterday. perhaps, in fact, it was that there was so much excitement what with getting my legs waxed, seeing my parents, going out to sushi, the mall, and coldstone with my bff, and then sharing stories with meliss and my parents afterwards. maybe i was just so revved that i couldn't sleep, i don't know, but it was NOT coming my way. i got home late and hung out with andrew. to wind down, we watched the results show on american idol (we dvr everything), and andrew went to bed, but i wasn't sleepy yet, so i watched grey's anatomy... and then private practice... and then part of the late late show with that irish guy, and then i decided i was tired enough to go to bed.

i went to brush my teeth and go to the bathroom and was SO disappointed when i heard the familiar "whrrrsh" of our pressure pump (i think that's what it's called) - if you have a well, instead of hearing the pipes when you turn on the water, you hear the loud noise of the pressure pump occasionally right after you flush the toilet or leave the water running, etc. however, in our case, when you also have a water filtration system in place because of obscene amounts of oxidized iron in the well water, you hear the pump over and over and OVER again between 1:30 and about 3:30 am every other night as the filtration system refreshes its salt container (which itself sounds like a really loud dishwasher/washing machine combo). usually, we're asleep during this time, so it's not an issue, but when i can't sleep and go to bed at 2am when this symphony is in full-swing and shares a wall with our bedroom, it has a tendency to keep me awake.

so i laid in bed for over an hour, trying desperately to sleep, and as the whrrsh, dishwasher noise, whrrsh, silence... waiting for chinese water torture... almost aslee-WHRRSH! continued, i had the strangest feeling in my abdomen. our super-active baby all of a sudden moved down out of my ribcage! holy cow! i took a DEEP breath, much deeper than i've done in months since i've gained a baby butt in my solar plexus, and the giant bump that's been taking up the area between my ribs, where my diaphragm usually lives had disappeared. i felt more pressure down near my pelvis. woohoo! is this what they call lightening??? (or the baby dropping) i though to myself... i took several more deeeeeep breaths. it was glorious! i was afraid to move for fear that it'd move her back up my torso. but alas, story of a pregnant woman, i had to go to the bathroom. i got up and looked at myself in the mirror, it appeared that my belly was in fact lower! the area between my ribs and a few inches above my belly button was actually soft and squishy instead of taut and hard. it was great. in fact, i was so excited that i wanted to revel in the moment. since it was 3:30am and the waterworks were still going full-blast, i gave up on the bedroom.

i came out to the living room and bounced on the ball for a little bit, enjoying the deep breaths i could take (really, you have no idea how good breathing is until you haven't been able to do it in months), and hoping i'd get sleepy. i was also a bit afraid that if i went back to a horizontal position and gravity wasn't working with me, this exciting trend would go away. but it was really late, so i laid down on the couch and stared at the computer, hoping it would dumb my brain enough to make me sleepy... it wasn't until 5:30am that i was ready to give sleep another try. it worked, and i slept until andrew left (i think about 7:30 and then again until 9:30, when i think my hunger woke me up. i wanted to sleep longer but figured it was time to face my day with the ability to breathe (who cares about having to pee more, this ROCKS!)... when i sat up to A BABY BUTT IN MY RIBCAGE!! not only was it back up there, and verified by by profile in the mirror, but my ribs were actually sore from re-expanding around it! nooooooo!

certainly this cannot happen, i thought to myself. i must have been delusional last night when i thought she dropped. i had no affirmation from anyone but myself, i had no proof to verify with anyone else, this must be a sad joke insomnia plays on its victims... so what did i do? of course, i googled it. and i found a cnm's response to a pregnant lady who thought she'd dropped based on pictures comparing her 29th and 30th weeks and then gone back up by her 31 week picture. i clicked on her pics, and this did seem to be the case. the cnm's reply was that "unfortunately, until the baby's head is fully engaged in the pelvis, it can bob up and down." DANGIT! bob?! like my baby is one of those buoys in the ocean?? crap!

so, ladies and gentlemen, i present to you, our daughter, baby korhonen, bob.

doo be doo be doula

after being upset for a few days about my ob situation, i spoke with the nurse practitioner the birth center in chapel hill this morning. i had wanted to use the midwives there and their birth center for this baby, but i was scared about what would happen if i didn't take the precaution to be in a hospital, and in the end did not pursue their services further. in hindsight, i should have, and i was not surprised (nor did it make it any less discouraging) when i called and learned they were full for births around my due date. however, the np i spoke to was very understanding and sweet, and she offered me good advice.

she said that she hated turning people away and that for future babies (that assumes i have them) or ob/gyn care, they'd love to take me on as a patient. she also said that there are other midwives for hospital births or in-home births in the area. i looked them up and didn't find many, or if i did they had mixed reviews, and i'm not willing to make a change this late in time for anything more than a sure bet. also, home birth for me is not an option. i just think it would be way too uncomfortable, i would feel trapped, and i'm way too far from a real hospital to be comfortable with that idea. BUT the np did say that i should definitely get a doula for this birth.

a doula is a woman who is there for the sole purpose of taking care of the laboring woman. she is not meant to take the place of the birth partner (husband), but to offer massage, compresses, soothing words, suggestions for positions, and advocate for the woman so she doesn't have to fight for what she wants (esp. if it is a low-intervention delivery). she's also a benefit to the husband because she can be there if he needs a break or some food, or if he's just overwhelmed with the whole enormous life change going on and isn't able to be much of a coach.

andrew and i had been considering using our childbirth education teacher as a doula before, but we weren't sure if we'd be able to afford it, esp. since it's not covered by insurance and we're already saving for the deductible we know we'll have to pay upon leaving the hospital, but we did our taxes and it looks like we'll be getting back almost the exact cost for the doula (big thanks to God for that one - definitely not a coincidence). that, coupled with the strong recommendation of the birth center np, and andrew's strong support of the idea has led us to go ahead and take the plunge into doula-land.

after being upset for 2 days over the ob fiasco, i am finally at ease with our delivery situation again. i know betty jo will be a good advocate and an excellent person to depend on so that andrew and i don't go into this new and scary experience feeling alone.

"suck it up! you don't have that long!"

not much to report. had my group b strep test, that was uncomfortable, will find out results sometime i guess (though i have no idea when). also had my first internal exam, that was very uncomfortable (as in i practically jumped up the table) and yielded disappointing results - cervix closed for business. i know it means very little at this point and that we don't WANT a baby coming early, and that even though 37 weeks is technically "full term" that it's better to go the full 40 wks; HOWEVER, i also know you can stay at 1cm for weeks before anything happens, and with my familial history of "failure to progress" i was just hoping for something positive dilation-wise.

again, i got little to no information from the ob - no idea what i'm measuring for the uterus, no idea what the baby's heartrate was (though it sounded fine to my untrained ears on the doppler), no idea about the baby's station or effacement (though both are probably uninteresting given the fort knox cervix). i asked my questions about my sore throat (no worries, looks normal, take allergy meds if you have nasal drainage), weird buzzing (no worries, try stretching!), taste issues (NO! DON'T ADD SALT! you might make the swelling worse - like that's possible - and also, no worries, tastes change during pregnancy). so all in all i got a big, fat, "suck it up, you don't have that long to wait" oh yeah, just another 4-6weeks, that's nothing. i encourage anyone who thinks that's "not that long" to put on a belt (underneath your clothes), tighten it to just where it's comfortable, then tighten it another notch... and then leave it on. 24/7, waking, sleeping, showering, exercising -- just leave it on for even a couple days. THEN tell me how you feel when someone says, "just 4-6 more weeks!" with a smile on their face. oh yes, you will want to punch them in their shiny, happy teeth.

i know this is what all pregnant women feel like, and i know that i should "treasure this special time with my baby" and "enjoy the time with my husband" but i really wish the doctors would at least pretend like they care. andrew says he thinks they care, but after waiting over 30 mins to see a doctor (who i saw standing around talking to other doctors about their weekends, while i waited) i just wish they wouldn't act like they were in such a hurry to get on to the next patient.

eating, sleeping, reading - pregnancy obsession

so andrew gets home at 6 or later each night from work, then (if i'm cooking) i finish making dinner, and we sit down to eat around 7. i've been trying to have the tv off during that time so we can talk without staring at the screen. on nights when we make dinner together, eating takes place closer to 8. then, we usually watch jeopardy together, and by 9:30 andrew is asleep. i find this to be abnormal because i never go to sleep that early, and i find it frustrating because it basically means i get 3-3.5 hrs of his time each day, during at least part of which i am making dinner or he is feeding the dogs or we're doing daily tasks that do not involve enjoying eachother. it's really a bummer.

anyway, before he gets home (all day) and after he goes to sleep, i'm left to my own devices, which usually means i'm bored and stalking facebook/blogs for updates, watching hours of worthless reruns or dvr'd shows that rot your brain, and i watch a lot of food network. i try to read, but the lighting in our house is pretty bad (esp since the living room overhead is broken), and my eyes get all blurry, plus it's difficult to find any comfortable position to read in. AND everything i read has something to do with pregnancy or babies or raising babies or going into labor or something. i'm feeling overwhelmed and obsessed AND BORED. there's so much to do, but i'm doing it all alone. and i think it's worse to feel alone when there's someone right there... sleeping. i'm not trying to deny andrew sleep by any means, and 8 hours seems to be what he needs to function at all, but i gotta find something to do with myself, otherwise i'm just dwelling on the negative side-effects that go with 3rd trimester pregnancy.

for example, i am not sleeping well because a. i have trouble getting comfortable at all, b. once i'm comfortable, i have to get up to pee. c. sometimes when i am comfortable AND don't have to pee, the baby gets the hiccups, which while not painful, it is extremely annoying, but most annoying is d. i have this obnoxious feeling like buzzing or vibrating or tingling that has become more and more persistent as pregnancy has continued. it is right under my ribs on the left side of my body at the top of my uterus. it was driving me crazy off and on up until now, and i assume it is when the baby puts her foot/other body part up there and irritates something. i was getting concerned about it for a little, and i definitely did NOT have page ultrasound the spot at work... and she didn't say that it was most likely my spleen and that it's probably just because the spleen is sensitive and the baby's foot is irritating it... yeah that didn't happen :-P so i haven't been too worried about it, but as baby k's size has increased, the feeling has become nearly constant whenever i'm sitting at all or when i'm not lying in exactly the right position. it is making me crazy, and it does not seem to be covered in any "what to expect" kind of book.

in addition to the sleep issue, eating has become less exciting for me. those of you who know me know that i love food. i didn't have toooo much nausea in my first trimester compared to some poor souls. i didn't feel great, but i only actually vomited a few times, and i didn't have many strong food aversions. the worst thing that happened was that i would crave food, but by the time we got the food and i went to eat it, it would be totally unappetizing. in the second trimester, food seemed more appetizing and i was able to eat pretty regularly minus the fact that my very small torso and pregnant uterus was preventing me from eating enough to feel full before my stomach, which was smushed, filled up. now that i'm used to eating lots of small meals (or paying for it later by feeling awful), i have a strange new symptom - nothing tastes very good. i find myself adding more salt to things - which some websites i've perused say is normal because my body might be craving the sodium, and i made chicken the other day, which andrew loved, and i thought tasted awful. i ordered food at moe's today, and all of it was bland and horrible except the salsa and chips (once i salted them). tonight when we grilled out, the chicken tasted nothing like the sauce we used to me, it just tasted like bland chicken, and the rest of the meal, though balanced, also was pretty tasteless. for dessert i decided to make myself some oatmeal - a double helping of peaches 'n cream... and it just tasted like paste to me. so now i have no idea if everything really has been subpar, or if i'm just having a taste issue. i'm leaning towards the latter.

when i'm not fighting with food or struggling to sleep, i have started having what many of my birth class compatriots complained of, unsettling dreams. just the other night, i had a dream that i went into labor early, and for some reason they couldn't stop it, and then for some other reason (none of which i know) i had to have a c-section, and then i had this teeny tiny baby and was trying to get her to breastfeed... it was just all very strange and unsettling, though i wouldn't call it a "nightmare" per se. i've had other unsettling dreams, which on several occasions have kept me tossing and turning and being distracted for the rest of the day, but i can't seem to remember any of them, so they must not have been so bad.

because of all of this, and reading reading reading books to prepare for baby, as well as thinking about cleaning out closets, washing baby clothes, trying to get the nursery straight, sterilizing bottles and other plastics, thinking about breast pumps, coupled with being uncomfortable, having trouble waddling places, swelling all the time, etc ad nauseam, i find it difficult to think about much else. i'm not sure if this is because of all the end of pregnancy crap, or the fact that i'm alone a lot now, or that i'm not working and don't have those distractions, but i feel a little like i'm going baby crazy, and i need to make it STOP!

if anyone has any ideas or would just like to come distract me - please, i beg of you, come save my sanity!!

calling all expectant moms!

since we registered at babiesrus, we now get coupons and updates for their sales and events. we have bought a lot of stuff that we registered for already (or had it bought for us), so i have a LOT of coupons for expensive items (like travel systems, furniture, breast pumps, etc.) that we won't be using and that i'd love to share with you if you want to take a day and go shopping with me! they are good from march 5-19 only, but they're super sales, and some of the purchases even get you free gift cards (ex: a $20 babiesrus gift card when you spend $200 on graco products).

additionally, there are several march events, which could be kind of fun to attend. most of them are probably trying to get you to buy stuff, but i'm sure there will also be free samples and demos, which could be exciting.

breastfeeding 101 - tuesday, march 9th at 6:30pm
"ready, set, pump! get the scoop on breastfeeding and all the great products sure to make it easy to feed baby naturally." (sponsored by medela)
super baby shower - saturday, march 13th from 12-3pm
"we're hosting a baby shower for all expectant moms as well as their family and friends. come learn about the must have products for every mom's baby registry, valuable tips and ideas for planning a baby shower, fun in-store activities and free giveaways!"
buckle up and boogie (carseat safety workshop) tuesday, march 23rd at 6:30pm
"there's no wiggle vroom when it comes to safety. you'll learn how to choose and use a carseat to keep baby safe... with rules of the road provided by 'safe kids worldwide'." (sponsored by graco)

let me know if you want to go to any of these events (cause why not? they could be fun!) or if you want to go shopping and use my coupons (yes, i need shopping buddies badly enough to bribe you using coupons).

36 weeks

family shower!

the second of the baby shower trilogy was the family shower my mom threw for us on sunday of this past week. i was still sick, but the sunshine and sudafed helped me to feel better for the day at my parents' house. mom invited all of andrew and my families, as well as family friends from way back (and when i say way back, i mean like from when i was born!) and a few of my friends who were unable to make it the other showers.

originally, we thought that a lot of family was going to be able to make it from out of town, but they all ended up with conflicts, so the shower really was mostly composed of my cousins on my mom's side and family friends from my childhood. it was amazing, and i felt so loved to have so many people from so long so excited for us, traveling from several hours away in cases, and loading us up with supplies. they all were so loving and told us how proud they were of us. i guess what i'm learning about family and friends as this journey continues is that it's all about who makes the time to love you and who you make the time to love - those are the people you can lean on when you need it, and i appreciate ALL of them immensely.

of course, mom was the hostess with the mostess and prepared a magnificent spread as well as a few fun things like advice cards for new parents and cute gift bags for guests. we are so blessed to be so loved! for family shower pics, go to my flickr album.

34 weeks

looking sick (cause i am) but feeling loved :-)

practice run and girlie shower

i've been sick for most of the week, but last night i started feeling so bad that i got concerned for the health of baby k. andrew and i called the ob on call and described my symptoms (which the doctor didn't seem to care about), and told him i was concerned i hadn't felt her moving as much as normal. because of that, he had us drive in to rex and have the baby monitored to make sure she was ok. i had high blood pressure and a fast pulse, which they seemed to think was from taking the cold meds they told me i could take, but they weren't concerned about that. they said i did not have a fever, and the baby looked totally fine on the monitors, so about an hour later, we went home. i felt a little silly for going to the hospital because the baby was fine, but at the same time, i was right about having a high bp, and i'm frustrated that i don't feel like my obs are really doing their job or taking me seriously. but that's another topic for another day!

for today, i wanted to tell you that i had a great time at my girlie shower! we're having a few baby showers because we weren't sure how to include all of our friends and family in one location and have everyone have a good time, that and we had a few people offer to throw us showers. so we are having 3 different ones - this one was for my close girl friends and was thrown by melissa and jennifer and took place at my house. it was only girls and we played fun silly baby showery games and had cutesy decorations. the second one is tomorrow for family and family friends and will be hosted by mom at her house. i imagine there will be a lot more atmosphere of sitting around and hearing advice from all of my family members who've done it before. the last one is for all of our work friends (from my work and andrew's work) to be hosted by heather at her house, and it will be a fun co-ed party sort of atmosphere with a promise of beer (for those who can drink) and NO baby games so that the boys will feel included :-)

this shower was wonderful, and in addition to my sincerest gratitude to jennifer and melissa for all of their hard work in putting this thing together and letting me just sit back and enjoy the surprises, i want to thank jessi, maddi, paige, and monica for making the time to come share this time with me. it was so nice to have all these girls out to my house to celebrate our baby! for more pictures (and there are some good ones!) go to my flickr page.

week 33

we had a happy valentine's breakfast at the flying biscuit:

and here are your weekly belly pics:


and, for your viewing pleasure, some bare belly pics!

the real deal [WARNING: negative rant ahead]

well i've been wanting to blog for a while about things that i've thought or felt or whatever, but i sit down to do it and i just don't have anything to say - perhaps it's blogger's-block? i don't know. but i think part of it is that i feel so negative, and i hate writing that down. i've always been a "strong person" and i've always been able to cope very well with lots of stress, but i am not feeling strong, and i'm not coping well anymore. and i'm going to write it all down now.

the real deal about pregnancy is that it is 10 months of SUCK.

(yes, 10 - 40 weeks = 10 months, not 9.)

i feel like shit, i look like shit, my self esteem is shit, and i can't even do fun stuff to relieve the shitty feeling, like go for a HARD workout and exercise it all away, or sleep for a day and realize i was just tired, or do something really great like get shit-faced drunk and pretend like that made it better (which it doesn't but you sure had a good time doing it), go dancing in a smokey bar, or just eat a TON of good, decadent food - which you can't do while pregnant cause half of those things are bad for you or you're not allowed to do, or you CAN'T physically do with a belly, or in the case of food, you can't eat anything that tastes good and you can't eat much cause you have no room for a stomach.

and i'm TIRED of people telling me cheery stuff like "oh it's almost over" or "just think of what you'll have when it's all done" cause, though they mean well, 8 more weeks of HELL doesn't seem comforting, and when i "think of what i'll have" all i can see is more nights of not sleeping, more stress of a life depending on me, and the fear of the unknown.

i'm TIRED of putting on a happy face and telling people "oh yeah i'm doing well!" when they ask me how i am. cause you know what? they don't really want to know how you're doing, that you haven't felt good since the onset of nausea in the first trimester, and that you haven't had a good night's sleep since your belly (or itching, or anxiety, or whatever achy muscle/joint/etc took over the nights), and they don't want to know that the cellulite, stretch marks, and swelling has you feeling so ugly that you just want to crawl under the covers and dream about when you looked good. they say "oh you're pregnant, you're supposed to gain weight" but they don't have to deal with looking at a scale that reads over 200lbs, do they? and they don't have to feel the fat on their own legs or arms or see the stretch marks when they look in the mirror, or deal with the fact that the nose they had and liked all their lives has now enlarged and spread out across their face. so it's easy for them to say these happy, cheery things, and it's easy for them to want to hear glowing, motherly things from you, and it's easy for them to not have any understanding of what you're feeling, and you just have to deal with it cause they mean well, and you know they do. but you know what? that just makes me feel even more isolated in trying to deal with all this crap.

i blame ALL the women who've gone before and pretended that being pregnant was somehow great, or even tolerable, and spread this lie around the world. you all suck.

31.5 week doctor's visit

i had my ob appointment today at 31.5 weeks -since i tend to go on wednesdays and i change weeks on sundays, it's always a .5 when i visit. my blood pressure was normal again at 122/78, and my urine test was normal, and i gained some weight. no, you may not know how much. my uterus is now at "between 30-31cm, which is good". baby k's heartbeat was loud and clear and in the 150's - "that's a happy baby!" according to the doctor. i got more information from this doctor than i have from others, and she was very nice.

I also got slightly frustrated after talking to her because after i once again mentioned my itchiness, she recommended i come in tomorrow morning for a fasted blood test to check my bile acid levels to rule out cholestasis of pregnancy. this wasn't a complete shock to me, as the lovely world of the internet brought up this potential issue when i googled my itchiness 3 WEEKS AGO. i am frustrated though, because i was at the dr's office four weeks ago AND AGAIN two weeks ago and mentioned the itching both times, to which they told me (both times) to use more lotion and take benadryl if i wanted. seriously people, why do i have to mention this problem 3 times before you think that it might be something other than dry skin??

the other thing that frustrated me a little more was that although i received the results of my glucose test at my visit 2 weeks ago as "normal", this doctor began my visit by mentioning that my hemoglobin was mildly low (anything below 11 is low, and mine was 10.9) on the test, and that i might be becoming anemic, to which i responded, "yeah i've been feeling light-headed sometimes" - ALSO information i told the doctor at the last visit, to which i was told to be sure i was eating breakfast - this time, the doctor told me that in that case she definitely wants me to add in an iron supplement to my prenatal vitamin regimen. again, i ask, why am i finding this out 3 weeks after symptoms start when i reported them at previous visits? what am i paying these people for if they only sort of do their job?

don't get me wrong, i'm sure they know what they're doing, and i'm sure there are plenty of hypochondriac-first-time-pregnant-ladies who freak out about everything and overreact, but I AM NOT ONE OF THEM! i didn't freak out when i broke my wrist and had it set without pain meds, i didn't freak out when getting tattoos on my feet, i didn't freak out when i broke my foot (though i did get angry when the hospital wouldn't believe me and tried to send me home on ibuprofen until the radiologist looked at my x-ray), i didn't freak out when i had an ovarian cyst which landed me in the er, completely bypassing the waiting room, and i haven't freaked out yet about my pregnancy issues, but dangit, i would appreciate it if people would listen to me when i calmly tell them there is something wrong! why must we be crazy, dramatic, crying, screaming women to get attention?!

i was feeling this frustration when the doctor today seemed done with our visit and, though she did listen to my other questions, was clearly ready to move on to her next appointment. i left and visited andrew to tell him what went on at the visit, but got all sad and emotional when he had to go back to work because again, i felt like everyone was too busy to talk to me about my concerns. i guess that's what happens when you have a day off in the middle of the week when other people are working. they just simply ARE too busy for you, even if they don't want to be.

i was bummed at all of this (and at the new weight number, which i will still not tell you), and just wanted to come home, but i had to pick up my iron supplements, so i also bought some healthier snack foods at the grocery store and came home to a snack of a nectarine, ants on a log (celery with peanut butter and raisins), and whole wheat pita with red pepper hummus, with water to wash it all down. it wasn't exactly an exciting meal, but it was healthy, and it did the job... i wouldn't say i'm feeling positively about all of this, but hey, i did get to sleep in this morning, and the sun was out all day, so who can really complain?

31 weeks

i was not enthusiastic about including my face... or putting on fancier clothes, so here's my midsection.