the real deal about pregnancy is that it is 10 months of SUCK.
(yes, 10 - 40 weeks = 10 months, not 9.)
i feel like shit, i look like shit, my self esteem is shit, and i can't even do fun stuff to relieve the shitty feeling, like go for a HARD workout and exercise it all away, or sleep for a day and realize i was just tired, or do something really great like get shit-faced drunk and pretend like that made it better (which it doesn't but you sure had a good time doing it), go dancing in a smokey bar, or just eat a TON of good, decadent food - which you can't do while pregnant cause half of those things are bad for you or you're not allowed to do, or you CAN'T physically do with a belly, or in the case of food, you can't eat anything that tastes good and you can't eat much cause you have no room for a stomach.
and i'm TIRED of people telling me cheery stuff like "oh it's almost over" or "just think of what you'll have when it's all done" cause, though they mean well, 8 more weeks of HELL doesn't seem comforting, and when i "think of what i'll have" all i can see is more nights of not sleeping, more stress of a life depending on me, and the fear of the unknown.
i'm TIRED of putting on a happy face and telling people "oh yeah i'm doing well!" when they ask me how i am. cause you know what? they don't really want to know how you're doing, that you haven't felt good since the onset of nausea in the first trimester, and that you haven't had a good night's sleep since your belly (or itching, or anxiety, or whatever achy muscle/joint/etc took over the nights), and they don't want to know that the cellulite, stretch marks, and swelling has you feeling so ugly that you just want to crawl under the covers and dream about when you looked good. they say "oh you're pregnant, you're supposed to gain weight" but they don't have to deal with looking at a scale that reads over 200lbs, do they? and they don't have to feel the fat on their own legs or arms or see the stretch marks when they look in the mirror, or deal with the fact that the nose they had and liked all their lives has now enlarged and spread out across their face. so it's easy for them to say these happy, cheery things, and it's easy for them to want to hear glowing, motherly things from you, and it's easy for them to not have any understanding of what you're feeling, and you just have to deal with it cause they mean well, and you know they do. but you know what? that just makes me feel even more isolated in trying to deal with all this crap.
i blame ALL the women who've gone before and pretended that being pregnant was somehow great, or even tolerable, and spread this lie around the world. you all suck.
i feel like shit, i look like shit, my self esteem is shit, and i can't even do fun stuff to relieve the shitty feeling, like go for a HARD workout and exercise it all away, or sleep for a day and realize i was just tired, or do something really great like get shit-faced drunk and pretend like that made it better (which it doesn't but you sure had a good time doing it), go dancing in a smokey bar, or just eat a TON of good, decadent food - which you can't do while pregnant cause half of those things are bad for you or you're not allowed to do, or you CAN'T physically do with a belly, or in the case of food, you can't eat anything that tastes good and you can't eat much cause you have no room for a stomach.
and i'm TIRED of people telling me cheery stuff like "oh it's almost over" or "just think of what you'll have when it's all done" cause, though they mean well, 8 more weeks of HELL doesn't seem comforting, and when i "think of what i'll have" all i can see is more nights of not sleeping, more stress of a life depending on me, and the fear of the unknown.
i'm TIRED of putting on a happy face and telling people "oh yeah i'm doing well!" when they ask me how i am. cause you know what? they don't really want to know how you're doing, that you haven't felt good since the onset of nausea in the first trimester, and that you haven't had a good night's sleep since your belly (or itching, or anxiety, or whatever achy muscle/joint/etc took over the nights), and they don't want to know that the cellulite, stretch marks, and swelling has you feeling so ugly that you just want to crawl under the covers and dream about when you looked good. they say "oh you're pregnant, you're supposed to gain weight" but they don't have to deal with looking at a scale that reads over 200lbs, do they? and they don't have to feel the fat on their own legs or arms or see the stretch marks when they look in the mirror, or deal with the fact that the nose they had and liked all their lives has now enlarged and spread out across their face. so it's easy for them to say these happy, cheery things, and it's easy for them to want to hear glowing, motherly things from you, and it's easy for them to not have any understanding of what you're feeling, and you just have to deal with it cause they mean well, and you know they do. but you know what? that just makes me feel even more isolated in trying to deal with all this crap.
i blame ALL the women who've gone before and pretended that being pregnant was somehow great, or even tolerable, and spread this lie around the world. you all suck.
4 comments:
I am SO sorry you are feeling awful, and have been all along. I didn't feel great when I was pregnant, but I think you are having to deal with more than the average pregnancy. It's perfectly OK to be honest, and you DON'T have to pretend you feel OK - pretending just makes it feel worse, and as you say, feel isolated. Please call me to vent ANY time. I love you and wish I could make things better for you. If I can help in ANY WAY, please let me know.
Hey Emily,
I know you posted that last Thursday, but I can imagine that you're not feeling much different a few days later. I just wanted to let you know that I hated being pregnant. I hated that no one told me it could be hellish and I really hated that I wasn't even sure I'd like the kid that was the result of all of it. After sticking with it, giving birth, trying my best to nurse but realizing at 4 months that it was just a hindrance to my relationship with my baby.... she finally started responding to me! I sang to her, she smiled. I tickled her, she laughed. And my heart got bigger, my life got sweeter. And it made walking through that hellish experience completely worth it. In fact, now I might even be willing to do it again some day.
All I know is it took a WHILE, but I prayed and stuck (if even at times by only a thread) to the promise of God that children are a blessing from him to us.
Let me know if you have any questions about my experiences. Bless you, friend. I will continually pray for you, baby K and Andrew.
thanks for the encouragement, both of you! i really appreciate it. i was hesitant to post this blog for fear that everyone who read it would think i was a monster, but i appreciate knowing i'm not alone. i have been trying to be more positive the past few days and it has been helping some. thanks for your love and prayers.
BandK - do i know you, or are you a blogland friend? either way, thanks so much for commenting!
It's me, Karmann. You were at my house on New Year's Eve. :) Sorry, I forgot to add a signature to my first comment!
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