perchance to dream...

do you remember the last time you felt inspired?
the last time you had a dream, and you knew you were chasing it?
the feeling of purpose with every step of the journey?
... yeah me neither.

there's some point when you go from idealistic teen to realistic adult. from dreaming and scheming and hoping and chasing to something quite less exciting. i chose to call it "being responsible", but i'm beginning to think it's really just "being scared" and "taking the easy way out". no, being responsible isn't easy, let's be clear, but when the options are: do what you know how to do despite feeling the decay inside, or risk it all to pursue the exciting unknown, the safe place to be is the responsible one.

my secret dream (though not so secret of a dream, i think it is a secret how much i long for it to be a reality) is to drop everything, go back to school and get a degree in something animal related, apply and get into vet school, and become a vet. not a vet tech, though that job is an incredible one (for me, anyway), but to be the actual doctor, knowing how to figure out what's wrong with the animals and knowing how to fix them.

i think if you've ever met the women in my family, you'd have to know that we're all strong, smart, caring, and sensitive women. we're all passionate, and we're all sensible enough to get the job done when we know it needs to be. i just wonder how many of us are limited - by our parents, by our roles as women, by ourselves. my mom was told when she was growing up that "little girls grow up to become nurses or teachers, which do you want to be?" so she became a nurse. my parents told me i could be whatever i wanted... and i became a teacher. i guess it was a dream of mine to be a teacher. but it was also a dream to be a performer, an actress, a dancer, a singer, a star soccer player, a world-class swimmer, an olympic gymnast, a famous equestrian, and somewhere in there, a veterinarian.

i just wonder what it is in me that said "no emily, all of those things are silly, they're not real goals, they're not real occupations, be responsible, be sensible." i know it wasn't my parents. my mom worried from the time i got the teaching fellows scholarship that i might one day regret it. my dad always said (and i think deep down he really hoped) i'd be a star forward on the unc women's soccer team. and yet, i saw this opportunity to be a teacher, to have my school paid for, and to be highly respected (or so i thought) in a prestigious fellowship, and i let all those other things fall by the wayside.

now i'm in a position where i'm too old to rely on my parents. i've graduated and can't drag out college by changing majors or adding a concentration until i'm sure of what i want out of life. i have to work for a living, like everyone else out there. but these dreams i have keep coming into my mind and messing up my attempts at contentment.

how do you know when it's time to abandon your safety net, leave the things you know, and take the plunge into possible greatness or probable doom?

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: