filling the void with waffles

wow, it's been a long time since i've blogged - so long in fact, that i don't even recognize this blogger post-constructing template! crazy.

but anyway. let's move on to the reason of the post.

i feel yucky inside.

i'm not sure if i can put my finger on it, but i just feel... distant? alone? secluded? reclusive?

it's that whole feeling alone in a crowded room thing. like i know there are people all around, but i don't feel connected to any of them. i don't feel like anyone cares about the depressing crap that's going on in my head - which i think might be hurtful to people who do care - but i don't mean to be offensive. it's about the condition of my heart, not theirs.... i think.

and i don't even know where or how to start talking about it.

often, i try to remind myself that if it feels like there's something missing, it's probably my relationship with God that's suffering, and that as long as i try to fill a God-shaped hole with something else, i won't be fulfilled. so i've been praying for Him to fill me up and help me to be more vigilant in seeking Him, but i am also trying to figure out why everything else still feels so empty.

i don't like my job.

i like taking care of animals, but i'm tired of crabby, self-important, arrogant clients. i'm tired of dogs kicking me in the legs, and arms, and chest, and throat, or biting and scratching at my face. i'm tired of the revolving door of co-workers and the complete lack of staffing we have, so that we're always running our asses off trying to cover for the missing positions (and as i write this, people are probably scrambling around because it's friday afternoon, and my shift isn't covered since i'm home taking care of a sick tess - who's napping - and everyone was already in overtime, so there's no one to come in for me). i'm insulted that i've had a completely new and additional job hefted onto my plate but not gotten so much as a penny for a raise, and people just act like i should be taking on more responsibility happily and not expect anything for it. and honestly i'm tired of being a dependable workhorse who does my job as well as having to help train everyone else on theirs and not having anyone recognize me for it.

but enough about that.

i feel like i invest more in friendships than the people i'm trying to be friends with do, and i feel like i must look desperate, and i feel hurt by it. i feel like i want people to be all-the-time friends, and people are category friends. i have "barn friends", who are around when i'm at the barn and involved with 4-h, but they don't come hang out with me unless i do all the legwork. i have "work friends", who will go out to lunch with me, but don't interact much outside of work (or whom i've lost along the way from changing jobs - i thought they'd remain friends, but to my dismay, i found out i was wrong long ago). i have "old friends", who i know from way back, and they are nice when we do hang out or when we email or message on facebook, but we don't have much in common anymore. i have "mommy friends" who commiserate about the woes and joys of parenting, but are all so busy with their own families that we don't spend much time together... and i know it seems, especially once it's written out, like i have SO many friends! and i know i should be counting them as blessings, but on any given day, i can't get any of them to even answer their phones, let alone hang out. i feel like unless it's a planned event people don't want to have anything to do with me - and even then, i get cancelled on about 85% of the time if i'm not the one going to them.

i just miss having those friends that will answer whenever i call, know what i'm talking about, and spend time with me if i need them, and especially when i don't! but just because they like being around me.

living out in the middle of nowhere, it's easy to feel isolated, and i know it's an effort to travel out here, but i guess i just wish i was worth it to people.

i'm sorry this sounds like whining... that's not how i intend to sound, i just want to explain how i feel.

so the two people who are actually here with me are andrew and tess, and i feel so much mom-guilt and wife-guilt that i just want to sit on the couch and stare at a screen. phone, computer, tv, it doesn't matter as long as i don't have to see what a mess my house is, and that i'm not doing insanely complicated cutesy-crafts with or for my toddler, or that the meals i make are less than gourmet, or that i'm still out of shape and overweight.

and then looking at those screens makes me feel more guilt that i'm not paying attention to them, or worse yet that i'm not going on a cruise to alaska, or making zillions of dollars, or doing every great thing on pinterest.

and i start thinking about all i don't have, and all i'm not, and i just get sad.

i'm sure it's part of the social-networking phenomenon: we're all "connected" but we're all alone, and i'm the kind of person who needs to actually see and talk to and hug other people, and who needs to exercise OUTSIDE, not in front of beto doing zumba on dvd.

it was all brought to a head when everything with tiger fell apart right before my eyes. to most people, this must seem so stupid, but to have wanted a horse for decades, and have had someone offer to give one to me, and to work everything out, and to have basically a beneficiary offer to pay my board in return for a few lessons a month, it just seemed like finally, it was my time. i didn't have to sit by and try not to "covet my neighbor's" horse... and just as fast, it was all taken away.

i was literally devastated.

i bawled silently in the car so as not to scare tess. i sobbed into the phone as i tried to let everyone i'd told about "my new horse" that it wasn't happening. and i almost decided to quit riding altogether so i can just avoid this repeating heartbreak. i haven't ridden since then, and i've only been to the barn once, and i don't even like to think about it, let alone talk about it.

i'm sure if you're not a horse person you think i'm awfully dramatic, but maybe you can understand what it's like to be let down and empathize with that.

i haven't felt the same since, and i don't know how to get back to normal... and i don't know how to end this post other than to say that i now feel guilty for even writing it and posting it to the world because i'm sure you'll all think i'm just saying woe-is-me and looking for attention. but i'm not... i just wanted to get it out of my head.