cry it out

so up until now, my relationship with tess has been a close, and i mean very close, one. as in, she has been pretty much attached to me since she was born. this started because her bili-blanket had only a 2.5 ft cord that was so heavy it would tip over her bassinet if i tried to put her in it. so, as long as the bili was on her, she was on me. once that week (plus a few days) was over, she had decided she would not be put down - ever. we got the swing out - no. we got the bouncy chair - no. we got a positioner to put in the rocking bassinet with vibration - no, no, no! nothing will do but mom or dad (or occasionally grandma) carrying me, rocking me, sleeping with me. we tried the "s's" - no. we tried walking in the stroller - no. the carseat? NO! we tried just letting her "cry it out" - i gave up when crying it out lasted over 45 mins. it would seem the only thing that works is nursing her to sleep and then letting her sleep on me.

well, at our two-month check-up, dr. mann asked us about this, and basically told us we were going to have to try the cry it out method and be consistent if we were ever going to get her to sleep somewhere else. i didn't know how i felt about that, and the only consolation he gave was "well, she won't remember it" which, i guess, is true.

i mulled this over for a while. i started putting her down more - we got a playmat with dangly toys. this is entertaining sometimes and scary others. i've let her cry in the swing until she falls asleep. this also works sometimes. but i just wasn't ready to do the cry it out method in her crib until the other day when she wouldn't stop wiggling on top of me from about 5 am on, after going to sleep around 1am. i decided that was the end of it.

starting on monday, we had some people over, and tess was overwhelmed, so i took her into the bedroom (even though our normal nursing place is in the living room with the glider) because she couldn't concentrate to nurse and was incredibly tired. so i sat on the bed in our bedroom and nursed her for a few mins until she fell asleep. then i put her in the bedside co-sleeper, and she slept for about 30 mins! it was a revelation! that night, after nursing, i laid her down in there, and she lasted like 3 hours (until about 1:45am) so that andrew and i could actually snuggle! then she slept on me for the rest of the night.

yesterday, i decided i would try the 10-mins at a time cry for naps. nap 1: cry, comfort, cry, comfort, cry, time to eat, fall asleep after nursing for 2 mins, move to co-sleeper (which i will now refer to as "crib" for time's sake), sleep 40 mins. nap 2: fall asleep in sing, try to move to nap nanny, wake up screaming, comfort, fall back asleep on mom, mom gives up and takes a nap too. i did not even try to get her to sleep in the crib. see, last week, she would laugh in her sleep. since starting this "method" she is crying in her sleep, and it breaks my heart.

today, we move to 15 mins. nap 1: i was too tired to care, slept on mom. nap 2: cry, comfort, cry, time to eat, fall asleep after 2 mins, try to move to crib, wake up, mom gives up. no nap. nap 2: cry, comfort, cry, comfort, cry, time to eat, fall asleep, move to crib, sleep for 30 mins. nap 3: cry, comfort, cry, time to eat, fall asleep, move to crib, wake up, nurse for real, sleep in my arms - and here we are.

so far, all i have to say is that this sucks, and i don't know if i have the endurance (or am heartless enough) to stick with this long enough to get it to work and see the results i'm looking for... you know, like getting to sleep with my husband again. this may not be the way for us.

oh, and yes, we have a "routine" (diaper change, song, prayer, lay down)... just in case you were planning on asking.

so maybe i'm kinda crunchy?

so many of you know that when i had tess i was hoping to be very flexible about whether to breast or bottle feed and whether to use cloth or disposable diapers. i wanted to try breastfeeding and try cloth, but i maintained that we would do whatever worked for US despite what la leche or crunchygranolahippy mommies say. we have been breastfeeding exclusively since right after she was born (they gave her formula first thing because of a low glucose, which made me sad but was not really a big deal), and for he most part breastfeeding has been going well. there have been times when i wanted to switch to formula, but i know the inherent benefits of breastmilk, and if i'm being honest, even more than that, i know how much money we're saving by not having to buy formula. so i have continued breastfeeding.

when it came to cloth diapers, i knew there were a million and a half options out there, and i knew that i was not even going to bother trying to use them during the first few weeks because it's just way too much to try and handle being a new mom and worrying about ANYTHING extraneous. so we used (and loved) the pampers swaddlers from the time we brought her home (and she wore preemie sized diapers) until the night we first tried our bumgenius 3.0's. from that night on, i was a complete convert. tess had been on the verge of a diaper rash, which completely disappeared, and we went from the longest sleep stretch of 4 hours to a full 6.5! i was shocked. at first i freaked out, thinking something must have happened to her if she slept that long, but i realized it was just that she was comfortable and didn't feel wet. i mean holy COW. anything that adds 2.5 hours to my sleep is a must.

at this point, i begged andrew to let me buy more. see, cloth diapering can be very expensive when you're building up your supply, but the payoff is long-term as far as saving on disposables and landfill waste. all we could afford at the time was 12 more diapers. this sounds like a lot, as that brought our total to 15, but a breastfed infant uses around 30 a day if exclusively cloth diapering. since this is rather expensive and entails a lot of laundry, i set out on a journey trying different styles/types/brands to see if there was a better method that worked as well for us. we tried prefolds with snappis, prefolds without snappis in shells, fuzzibunz fitted, thirsties fitteds, happy heineys one-size, and i researched gdiapers, grobabys, flips, and just about every brand i could find. i read hours of reviews and considered all angles, and here is what i concluded.

the prefolds do not work for us with my messy pooper. the full-size prefolds are too big to fit her and make her look like she's holding a bowling ball between her legs, and the smaller size are too small and don't cover enough/absorb enough. one of the benefits to prefolds is the cost savings in that you are supposed to only have to buy a few covers and alternate them by switching out the prefold. saves on money, saves on laundry, saves on time. however, every time tess poops, she manages to get some on the cover - EVERY TIME, so this system is no more efficient or economical for us, and i vetoed it. the grobabys, gdiapers, and flips are all this sort of system, where you are supposed to be able to change the insert and reuse the cover, so i didn't go any farther down these paths. the benefits to the flips and gdiapers are that you can purchase and use disposable inserts if you're not into doing as much laundry. the grobabys were a mixed bag in the reviews with some people loving them and some disappointed, and it seemed unanimous that they are not good for babies with thick thighs (which tess has). they were also about $4.00 more than the bumgeniuses per diaper.

the fuzzibunz are a good brand, and from what i hear are a favorite of lots of people. they are also the all-in-one style with an insert, and the cloth against the baby's skin is very soft. we borrowed one from a friend, and i wasn't happy with how they fit tess. one of her reflux requirements is that the belly part of the diaper be loose so it doesn't hurt or make the spit-up worse. unfortunately, i couldn't get it to fit her very well, as it bunched a lot at her crotch and sat too low to be loose on the stomach without falling off. the closures are snaps, not velcro, and though i hear snaps are more durable, i prefer velcro for ease and more customizable fit. the fuzzibunz are also sized, which means you have to buy a new set each time she grows. not as much bang for your buck.

i did like the thirsties fab fitteds, as they are great for ease of use. they also seem very good at wicking away moisture from the skin, so that they should be good for night use. they are made of a very soft fabric, which attracted me to them, but the fabric does significantly pill after a few washes. they are an all-in-one that is really all in one, no insert to replace because it is sewn in. however, they are also not waterproof on the outside, so you have to use a cover, which adds another element/cost/time in diaper change. the other benefit is that the thirsties can be washed and dried, so you don't have to wait for them to hang dry. unfortunately, they are fitted, which means you have to buy new ones each time your baby changes size. cost-wise, they are about $4.00 cheaper per pair than the bumgeniuses, but you do still have to buy waterproof covers, and they're not one-size.

i was attracted to the happy heineys because of their ADORABLE prints - they have cow print! - but they were AWFUL. i would discourage anyone from wasting their money. they are $2.00 more than the bg's, and way lower quality. the laundry tabs don't work, and the rough velcro sticks to and picks other diapers in the laundry. they were a one-size and have 4 different snaps to adjust the size instead of 3, but they didn't fit well at all. the hole for the insert does not have a flap to keep the insert in the diaper, so the soft fabric isn't against your baby's back, the elastic part is. also, the insert bunches and moves. the leg holes leaked, and tess was incredibly uncomfortable in them. the whole time she wore the hh diaper, she was squirmy and fussy. we couldn't figure out what was going on until we changed back to the bg and she went right to sleep without stirring. the one real benefit they have over the bg's is that they can also be washed and dried, like the thirsties. however, this being the only positive, is not enough to make them a worthwhile purchase.

when it comes down to it, for us and our preferences and needs, bumgenius 3.0 one-size diapers are the cadillac of cloth diapering.
[tess models a front-view]they work the best, they are comfortable, come with two different sized inserts that can be doubled up for heavy wetters and night use, rarely leak, and we will not have to keep buying new sizes as tess grows, so once our last order comes in, we're set until potty training for diaper purchases. they are a velcro system, and i have heard that the velcro has a tendency to wear out, but i have also heard that the parent company, cotton babies, will send you a replacement kit. they wick the moisture away from the skin and really absorb (andrew was commenting today on how surprised he is when he thinks about how much the infant insert absorbs while the microfleece feels so dry). they fit tess's chubby little body well, and i only had one leak when i was first experimenting with them.

there are some drawbacks in care, however. as with all cloth diapers, you have to use a residue free detergent like charlie's soap powder, and the bg's require a cold wash, followed by a warm wash, followed by line drying. the inserts take a hot wash and can be dried in the dryer. this leads to lots of loads of laundry and wait time while they line dry. if you keep them in regular rotation though, i find it's easy to get a system down, and they do dry pretty fast. from the reviews i read, if you don't follow the directions on washing to a t, you will ruin the diapers (and waste a lot of money). we found this to be true when it told us to wash our dark pink ones separately SIX times before putting them with the other diapers. we thought this was silly and proceeded to wash them with the others after a wash or two. now our light colored diapers have a pink tinge... oh well, good thing we have a girl. i say this to warn you that if you do buy these diapers, you should really follow the directions. they retail for about $16.95, which seems like a lot until you think about how much you spend on disposables per box.

i think what it comes down to is trying a lot of different stuff until you find the brand/style that works for your baby's body and your lifestyle, but perhaps this will help all my mama-to-be friends if you all choose to dive in to the world of cloth diapers!

the 2 month mark and uncle arun's visit

well baby tess has reached the 2 month mark, and we've gone to the pediatrician to make it official. her stats are 10lbs 8oz (50th percentile), 21in (10th), and 38cm head circumference (25th). this confirms our suspicions that she's a huge pig -- she'll fit right in to our family! :-)

the turtle hanging out with her giraffe. she loves him!

the update for the baby girl's colicky, refluxy attitude is... meh? some days she does great - eats well, takes her medicine well, plays and makes eye-contact, sleeps ok (we're going through a sleep-fighting stage in general, more on that later), and even sleeps for a few long stretches at night, and then some days she does horrible - fussy at the breast, spitting up all the time, fights with her medicine, fusses all day and isn't content unless you're practically doing backflips, and hardly sleeps, becoming especially fussy at night. i've tried to be more productive at home as far as doing laundry, grocery shopping, vacuuming, you know, being DOMESTIC, but most of the time all the time i have to "wear" her while doing so, usually in the moby. here's a shot i got of her when i'd lulled her to sleep in the moby while vacuuming:

i thought it might last a while, and this would be evidence, but she woke up about 2 mins after this picture was taken.

but back to the doctor's visit... based on our observations and on dr. mann's assessments, it seems we are doing all we can for the reflux (the right meds, staying upright, frequent burp breaks, minimizing mom's dairy intake, etc.), and we are well-versed in baby soothing methods and sleep protocols (including but not limited to the five s's, bouncing, baby carriers, warm baths, white noise, vibration, swing, trying to let her "cry it out", kangaroo love, etc ad nauseam, you-name-it-we've-tried-it), and she continues to "thrive" on the breastmilk only diet, and she has checked out healthwise. so, what he told us is that she's probably just a very kinetically motivated (read: active and squirmy, almost thrash-y at times), extremely needy baby, and that we're doing a great job at trying everything and keeping whatever works for us. probably, he said, a lot of it might also be that her personality is quite demanding and that she'll probably always be that way. he also said that every day after the 2 month mark should get easier, which i'm hoping proves true.

i'm always put at ease after a visit with dr.mann. his experience makes him laid-back and makes me confident that he knows what he's talking about. plus, it's good to hear that we're doing a good job, even if she does cry and scream a lot of the time.

also, "uncle" arun is in town from california this week, and he came over to visit. almost the whole time he was here, ms. tess was on her sweetest, most charming behavior. andrew has dubbed him the tess whisperer. she looked at him and smiled and cooed, and was generally pleasant for almost his entire visit!

tess: uncle arun, i love you. will you marry me?


arun: i love you too, tess, but i can't marry you. see the wedding ring?
we had such a wonderful time catching up with arun. he really is one of andrew's best friends, and while we love that he is happy with his lovely wife and kids in california, we really miss him. can't wait for 14 years! ;-)

tess and her giraffe

blogger won't upload my video, but flickr will! see ADORABLE tess video here!

hey breastfeeding mamas! (current or future)

i love this website! very helpful and informative!

tess's first beach trip

my mom (henceforth referred to as grandma) took our family to emerald isle for a beach trip vacation, and it was such a great mother's day present! i don't think it was actually a mother's day present per se, but i will definitely take it as mine! in preparation of the trip, i did some cleaning that i'd been hoping to do for... umm... months... but it was cut short by a tessatantrum. tessatantrums seem to pop up at the worst possible times, but i guess that's what it means to have a baby. so, since tess wasn't up for being put down, or in the moby, or in the bjorn, i carried around the fussbucket and andrew packed what i listed off. we were hoping to leave around noon saturday, but we got on the road about two. the 90-minute trip took us about 2.5-3 hours, which i don't think is too bad with a 7-week-old. i sat in the back with her, we only stopped once for a diaper change and feeding, and tess only cried for the last fifteen minutes while we tried to find the house.

tess had several pretty good days, despite spitting up her prevacid a few times and having to adjust to new surroundings. it was so nice to have several people to pass her around to so that i could eat a few meals while they were still hot, and i could even take a walk alone with andrew on the beach. grandma and grandpa took care of us as far as keeping us extremely well-fed the whole time (i think i gained 10 lbs while i was there!), and the house was really nice. i did miss the good weather we had here for 2 weeks leading up to the trip and was sad that we only spent a few hours on the beach the whole time (we went down and it would be too cold or windy for a baby, or it would start raining, or we'd have a diaper issue, or have to feed her, etc) but it was so nice to go for several walks down the beach. we realized that tess is absolutely lulled to sleep by the sound of ocean waves, and when nothing else worked, we could put her in the moby and walk by the waves, and she couldn't help but fall to sleep - i think being curled up all snug and warm and hearing those sounds was just too much like the womb to resist.

recently, i think the reflux has been much better, she is still spitting up like a geyser and occasionally over andrew's shoulder to the floor below, but i don't think she's in as much pain except when she doesn't keep the medicine down. and luckily, i don't think she kept my parents up much crying... except for the last night. for some reason, she's been fighting sleep for the past week or so, like when she should be napping and it's obvious she's exhausted, she will fight the sleep and fuss until either you can lull her back and force the sleep on her, or until it's time to eat again and she goes into milk-coma. sometimes milk-coma doesn't even work though, like at 4am on the last morning we were there. tess decided to fight sleep and fuss/cry/scream until 8:30am when grandma came in and took her so i could get some sleep.

needless to say that ended our funfilled vacation. it was not a great end to the trip, but we did make it home with LOTS of mom-soothing in the back seat with minimal crying. now that we're home and readjusting to our routine, i think tess is a lot happier, sleeping for longer stretches at night again and doing more fussing and less screaming than while we were on vacay. i guess she is pretty sensitive to her surroundings and routines here at home. i hope she doesn't get too upset in june when i start working part-time!

here are some pictures from the trip!

arrg! pirate baby on the way to the sea!


frog baby:

HOW DARE YOU GET ME WET!?!


oh, i guess it wasn't sooo bad.

grandma: which hat should i wear?
~models them all individually~
andrew: i think you should wear them ALL!

i love my grandma!

on the beach with mom

daddy found a crab!

sleeping in my sweet sundress

update!

tess has been doing a bit better, but i'm still scared to admit it lest it get worse again. for those of you who've lost track, she's on prevacid now and taking tylenol on really bad nights (yes, we know about the recall and went out and bought a generic acetaminophen as soon as we heard). when it was at its worst, i felt like this. the cite, infantrefluxdisease.com is very helpful if you do have a reflux baby. another cite that you can peruse, if you want to sort of know how i've been feeling, OR if you have had a reflux-y, colic-y baby and want tips or camaraderie you will want to read this. [thanks to my mom for finding it for me]

BUT, sometimes now i am getting some happy time and some smiles! here's a cute picture of her smiling while we played one day - proof that it might really be improving!


and lastly, we have fallen in LOVE with bumgenius 3.0 cloth diapers! they are adjustable to fit babies of her size (around 9 lbs) through toddlers, so they're a good investment, but they fit better than other cloth diapers i've tried on her, they're ADORABLE, and best of all, tess loves them. last night she was wearing one and slept for SEVEN hours!!! when i took it off, it was soaked on the insert but felt completely dry on the fabric that stays next to her skin -- even better than the soft feeling and sleep, the diaper rash that she's been fighting off while wearing the disposables was literally GONE after a night in the cloth. woohoo! i'm still skeptical of how eco-friendly it will be do to all the laundry that this cloth adventure will require, but monetarily and comfort wise, i'm all in. we even drove all the way to chapel hill to buy more today! i promise pictures once all the diapers are out of the wash...