repost from odb for today

reading text
1 Corinthians 2:1-9 (New International Version)

When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.
We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. No, we speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him"

devotional

When I was a kid, I learned a big word that was fun to pronounce: “antidisestablishmentarianism.” What a mouthful! I recently took the time to look it up. The dictionary defines it as “the doctrine or political position that opposes the withdrawal of state recognition of an established church.” The definition is almost as difficult as the term itself. Neither I nor my school friends knew what it meant. But using the big word made me look knowledgeable.

When the apostle Paul ministered to people, he didn’t try to impress others. In his letter to the Corinthians, he wrote: “When I came to you, [I] did not come with excellence of speech or of wisdom declaring to you the testimony of God” (1 Cor. 2:1). “Excellence of speech” is the translation of Greek words meaning “high-sounding words” or “pompous speech.” This implies using words to exalt self instead of to instruct others. Paul was a brilliant scholar who expressed the deep things of God in Scripture. Yet he did not use lofty language to elevate his self-importance.

As we grow in our understanding of God’s Word, let’s follow Paul’s example and guard against parading knowledge for knowledge’s sake. Instead, let’s use well-chosen words that build up and encourage others.

The words we speak may indicate
A heart that’s filled with pride;
But godly self-control displays
The Spirit’s work inside. —Sper

It’s not the words we know that show wisdom,
but how and when we use them.

http://odb.org/2010/10/20/well-chosen-words/

nights

tess's nights have been interesting. when she was just home as a newborn, she hardly slept at all, especially compared to other newborns, and during the night she would eat on her regular every two hour schedule. holy cow.

then with the bili-light, which weighed so much that it would pull over her bassinet, she started co-sleeping with me on the couch near the outlet that we'd plugged the box into. she started going longer, every four hour stretches.

the co-sleeping continued for some time, and at 3 months, much to my dismay and probably due in part to the reflux, she was STILL co-sleeping, BUT she had begun sleeping for long stretches at night. 6-7+ hours, followed by 4 hour stretches, and she slept until 10:30 most mornings. people looked down on me for sleeping with my girl, but at least we were sleeping!

then somewhere between 4-5 months, we began changing her over to the co-sleeper (a bedside attachment, similar to a pack-n-play, but smaller), and the sleeping went to waking every 2 hours, with a possible 3-hour stretch in there. ugh. by the middle of the night, we resorted back to co-sleeping in the bed because i was just falling asleep nursing her. waking time became erratic, sometimes 5:30am, sometimes 7 or 9 or 10:30 with no detectable pattern. yuck.

at about 5.5 months, we'd developed a pattern, put her down around 9:30, she'd wake up around 12:30, then it was a 4-hour stretch, and then every two hours until around 9:30am. not ideal, but at least it was a pattern. however, that little sleep began wearing on me, and so andrew started trying to do a middle-of-the-night-formula bottle, which sometimes led to another 3-4 hour stretch, and sometimes didn't. her waking time again became erratic. and that's how it's been until about a week ago.

we decided it was time to move tess to her crib (upstairs - eek!) because she's getting a bit large for the co-sleeper. night 1, it worked like a charm, she went to bed up there, had a middle of the night bottle, and got up in the morning. HALLELUJAH! we were so excited. i tried to get her to nap in the crib the next day, but she just kept waking up SCREAMING and sounding like she was terrified. after several (hours of) attempts, i finally let the poor thing sleep in my arms, where she continued to wake up screaming until she felt that i was still there. we tried again that night, and only screaming continued until i just felt horrible for her and gave up. she would not sleep without being IN MY ARMS for that whole night. i felt like we'd gone back in time because we'd tried to push her to hard. i was heartbroken.

then, yesterday we went to the fair, and so there were no beds for naps. since we were there for 9 hours, not counting travel time, she spent some time in the stroller, slept in the carrier, and slept in her carseat on the way back. last night, we put her down in the co-sleeper, and she didn't wake up except to eat. early in the morning, i was tired and started falling asleep while she nursed. rather than staying in my arms, she rolled over and literally DOVE headfirst into the co-sleeper (don't worry, it's about 2 inches lower than and attached to the bed), and when i tried to straighten her back up, she did it again. so i laid her back in it, and she went to sleep. the next time she woke up, i fed her, started falling asleep, and she did the same thing! so i laid her down (not on her head), and she slept until we woke up for the day!

it's amazing when your baby just TELLS you what she is ready for! clearly, she wasn't ready to be all the way upstairs in her big-girl crib, but she didn't want to stay in mom's bed (which we are all thankful for!) anymore. what a smartie! i guess we'll do the co-sleeper until it's unsafe, which won't be long with the way she's moving around now, and then have to try making the move to the crib again.

because i can't not blog about it...

i generally try to follow the thumper rule when it comes to blogging, and i like to tell my experiences, but i don't like to write entire posts about sad. however, this time i just need to get it out there.

i'm sad. and scared.
i'm sad because andrew and i tried our darndest to make an educated decision about his job, and it totally backfired. i'm sad because i want to stay at home with our baby girl, and i don't think i can. and i'm sad because i just don't know how to contribute to our finances without going back to work full-time, and that means someone else watching my child grow up.

when andrew applied for the state job, we thought that it was sort of a pipe dream. i knew he wanted to work in the theater again, and i wanted to support him, so i encouraged it, but he knew i had my reservations. first, i was worried about the time commitment. i have experienced life where andrew is consumed with theater, and it meant a lot of late nights, missed nights, weekend work, and a lot of sorry-i'm-two-hours-late-i-got-busy-and-forgot's. when we were dating or just a married couple, this was annoying, sometimes frustrating, and even argument-inducing at times... but now that we have a child, it's just not the kind of thing we need for our family.

so andrew asked about extra hours and was told that it's a 40 hour/week job, and that if he is called in on a weekend, he should take a day off during the week to make the hours right. well, we thought, as long as i'm staying home, we'll get time together whether it's on the weekend or on a tuesday, so that shouldn't be a huge deal. but we still didn't think he'd be offered the job.

then he was called back for an interview, and we started seriously considering the salary/benefits package to find out if this move was even feasible. taking the job, at its highest end of the predicted pay scale would still mean a pay cut for our hoping-to-remain-afloat-with-one-income family, but we were encouraged by looking into the benefits package. it appeared that the state family health insurance rate (while an 80/20 instead of 100/0 plan), with the state's contribution would tip the scales so that andrew would actually gross less money but once health insurance was figured into the deal, he would net about $400/month more. this sounded too good to be true to me, and i made andrew check his calculations 3 times - really. at my insistence, he even double checked the last calculation with my father. ok, we thought, this is something we can entertain... if he gets offered the job.

well then he did. and i had a mini panic attack, seeing flashbacks of the blowing rock "slave" company and our near relationship-ending time in boone. but the contract was for the high end of the pay scale, andrew called the people at the state insurance plan to ensure that we were correct about our monthly premiums, read the contract that stated his job would be 40 hours and from 8am-5pm, monday through friday (with occasional odd hours). so we decided it was nothing but a winning situation... especially with the revolving door that his previous employer had recently become, and he took the job.

he has now been working there for over a week. the first day, instead of returning home at 5:30, he got home at 7:18. we had a serious discussion wherein he promised this would not be a pattern and that he would call each night at 5:00 no matter what, to update me on his eta home.

then came the second day. andrew returned home to tell me that his boss had informed him that his hours would not, in fact, be 8-5. no, they were to be 9:30am to 6:30pm. add in the commute, and he won't be home until 7pm each night. for those of you who have or have had babies, you know that 6pm is the witching hour. at 6pm, your sweet, smiling, laughing children turn to howling demons. and that's ok, because that's when you have daddy come home as a reinforcement and mommy's sanity break begins -- at least long enough for her to make the dinner she hasn't made yet.

needless to say, two of my big fears had been realized within the first two days. oh well, i thought, i guess that just means we'll have to have breakfast together and get our daddy time in during the morning hours. and, there's always the blessing of the cheaper health insurance to make this a good decision.

then andrew went to his new employee orientation. it wasn't until today, a day after his orientation, while he was filling out the health insurance information, that he realized he had been misinformed. no, our family coverage would not be a reduced cost. in fact, it will actually cost MORE for me to be added than it would for my individual coverage - that was BETTER coverage! infuriating. "i don't understand," i said while sitting at lunch, "i thought you triple checked this?" apparently, the person andrew contacted about the state health plan was a moron who told him incorrectly. and now, we are screwed.

not only will my husband be returning AN HOUR AND A HALF later than we'd planned, and working some strange hours for calls, but the insurance actually leaves us over $100 shorter each month. this is after we've already canceled our direct tv service, trash pick-up, and all other non-necessities in hopes of me staying home. we tried to switch phone providers, but we're stuck in a contract, we thought about selling the car, but we'd have to get enough to pay off the rest of the loan on it, and that doesn't look like it's going to happen, and we can't even afford part-time daycare so that i could work more hours and bring money home, because childcare is so expensive that it wouldn't add anything to our income.

i called bcbsnc to see if they would reinstate my health insurance (since it'd end up being about $20/month cheaper for better coverage), and it sounds promising, but we have to pay two months of insurance in the next few days to get them to reinstate it, and we just don't have that in the bank right now.

i know it's bad form to spread your financial woes around your friends, not to mention the entire internet, but i'm just at my wit's end. i don't know what to do, and i feel like i'm drowning. i'm really afraid we're going to sink into financial ruin and end up getting foreclosed on or having a car repoed or power shut off, and be out on the streets. this is a really difficult thing for me - a person who's always been able to work, make money, and save money - to handle.

i feel like the only option left is for me to go back to work full time. this is really a hard pill for me to swallow because it would mean that after paying for childcare, i'd only bring home about $600/month more than we are now - which is HUGE compared to our current income, but it is such a measly amount for the most enormous sacrifice i'd ever have to make. to have someone else raise my baby girl. to only get to see her between the hours of 7pm and 6:15am... which, given that she goes to sleep at 9pm, amounts to a total of about 2 hours a day.

i just want to cry. and scream. and throw things. and punch walls. and run away.
but i can't. because i know it won't change anything... and it won't help.

isolation

i feel like with my last long post that i alienated lots of people, as i noticed a drastic decline in the amount of advice offered from people or hesitancy to step on my toes from friends. that's not what i intended at all, and chances are, if you even read the blog and thought about it enough to wonder if you were one of the people offering "unwanted advice" then you weren't. honestly, i value all experiences and other peoples' suggestions, the thing that bothered me was when people looked down on me for not doing things their way. but those people probably aren't concerned enough to bother worrying about a silly blog... so for the record... sorry if i hurt anyone's feelings. i was just frustrated.

as it stands now, the short-lived victories we had (going to sleep easily, sleeping in the co-sleeper instead of our bed, and sleeping for long stretches at night) are all things of the past. currently, the baby is screaming her lungs out, and i am just so tired of fighting with her to get her to go down to sleep despite the routine and all the soothing, calming things that are supposed to help, that i'm probably going to just let her cry until either she falls asleep or i can't take it anymore. not sure which will win out tonight.

but being a mom is really lonely. i feel like the friends i had who aren't "settled" no longer want me around because i am too much of an old fogey to do things like go out for girls' night, even though i would love to go! but in reality, if they did remember or want to invite me, i probably wouldn't be able to find someone to watch the baby for me to go, so who could blame them for leaving me out? i don't. and then the friends i have with children are all so busy with their own families that they don't have much time to invest in doing things together, or if we do, we spend the whole time chasing, feeding, soothing, or otherwise taking care of the children and not lots of time actually talking or "hanging out". honestly, it isn't surprising to me at all that the news has had stuff on recently about mother-alcoholics (moms who drink once their kids have gone to bed to cope with the stress) because being a parent is really hard, and it puts strains on all your support systems. your friendships change, your marriage changes, and even your relationships with your parents change.

i know that in life, the only constant is change, but this is a lonely season for me, and i sure wish i could figure out how to feel connected again.

i miss you, friends!

half a year?!

tess the turtle was officially half a year old on 9/20, and i kept meaning to write a great blog about it, but i just haven't had the time! i think tess (because she was a little early) tends to have her growth spurts right at or after she's supposed to, so this week has been her 6 month dr's appointment, shots, and growth spurt starting, along with teething, has led her to be a tad clingier than normal, but we're doing well and enjoying each other. right now she's sitting in my lap and my arms are just long enough to type this without her kicking the trackpad :-)

here are the stats:
24.75 in. long - around 20th percentile
15lbs 9.5oz - just under the 50th percentile
head - around 50th (who even remembers the measurement?)

AND i took the sweetest picture of her on my cellphone yesterday, but i have no idea how to hook up the bluetooth to get it on the computer, so we'll have to see if i can get it on here!

teething turtle

this is what teething + frozen homemade pears looks like in the korhonen home:


yay for the new mesh feeder thingy!

oh holy parenting, batman!

holy moly, it's been a while! i know you think i'm a slacker now, but in all honesty, i just haven't had TIME! i have no idea how some mommies are able to blog as much as they do! what i have really come to understand is that each family situation is different, and that all babies are different. some babies are very high needs, and some are low maintenance, and it's no reflection on the parents - several parents even have different babies of different temperaments, which is further proof of this.

at first, i felt like my needy baby was "all my fault" - and other parents did not help that, they kept telling me things like not to attend to her every time she cried or she would be "clingy", or if i would just do the thing they did (swaddle, go for a car ride, force her to cry it out, etc) then she'd be "fixed" - and i just needed to be "stronger" and resist her manipulating me or i'd spoil her. well meaning as they were, they were wrong, and they were wrong to make me feel like i was doing something wrong by following my child's cues. (there were other parents who supported me and empathized, and i'm not referring to them here at ALL!)

the truth is that tess was a challenging newborn. she was induced early, and she was going to get those last few weeks back with mom!

[attitude from the start!]

she demanded to be held and snuggled ALL THE TIME, she was sick - first pretty severe jaundice, then true reflux, which made it all harder, and she HATED being confined to a carseat for any length of time. and she screamed. ALL the time. not just fussed or cried, she screamed. when i was post-partum and hormonal, people kept acting like i was stressed because i was depressed, not because we were having a rough go at it, and they were wrong too. my husband and my mother can attest to that. to top it off, she didn't sleep like a newborn - most of them are sleepy little bundles of mush who nap every 2 hours, but not my child! there were days, at 3 months, when she didn't nap but once a day - and only for 30 mins! a friend at work (who has 3 sons) upon hearing her sleep habits said, "she naps like a 9 month old!" but we haven't gotten to 9 months yet, so who knows what will happen then!

[when you have to carry them everywhere, you get creative!]

but we coped, and we loved on her, carried her, comforted her, slept with her, and attended to her needs. and slowly, starting at about 4 months, she began to relax. she started to be ok on her own for 30 seconds, then 1 minute, 2 minutes, long enough for mom to go to the bathroom alone, long enough for mom to make coffee alone, and we started to get into a groove.

[one of the first times she noticed the mobile in the swing]

slowly, she has started to be ok in the car, sometimes napping, and recently even just playing with her carseat toys alone. she has started being able to sleep without nursing first (sometimes), she has started some solid foods, she's still working on the teeth that have been threatening to come in since she was 2 months old, and just this week, she has begun sleeping on her own, and i didn't have to hear her scream in her bed for hours and days on end. because all of this attention to our baby has taught us a lot about what she can handle.

[homemade squash is my favorite!]

monday night when i laid her down in her crib, she did cry, but i knew she'd be ok. after going to sleep, she stayed asleep, and even after nursing sessions, was fine to go back to her crib. tuesday night, she was sleepy but had opened her eyes as i put her down - not a peep. last night, i laid her down and she fussed for a second, but i gave her the pacifier and patted her back, and she was down. and it only took 5 months :-)

i don't say all of this to shame parents who make different choices for their babies, nor to i say it for a pat on the back, but i say it so that those of you who are in the last weeks before becoming the proud mommies or daddies of newborns will know that i support you. when your little one emerges into this huge world, YOU are their best advocate. YOU have been with them since they began forming from tiny cells. YOU have a gut instinct that tells you what's right for your child, your family, and your situation. and whether it's what worked for us or what was a total flop for us, i support you.

looking back, yes it was the hardest thing i've ever done, but i wouldn't have it any other way. i feel like i know my baby. i can usually tell why she's crying, when she'll cry, and how to make her stop, and because of that she doesn't cry much, she smiles and laughs a LOT, she loves people and isn't afraid of strangers (though i hear that happens later), and is passing developmental milestones like they're going out of style! but more than all of that, i LOVE her SO MUCH, in a way i've never loved anything else in the world.