a job i know i'm good at

yesterday was my first day back at work. we weren't sure if i'd stay home exclusively, work part time, or work full time when i had tess, but right now we're hoping that i can work part time. for the moment that translates to every monday and every other saturday. based on our income, i'm wondering if i'll have to add more days soon, but i guess we just have to wait and see.

everyone kept asking me how the day was, and i have to admit that going in to it, i was very anxious. would i remember everything? how would the pumping go? would i feel overwhelmed? would i miss my baby too much during the day and break down? but what actually surprised me was that at the end of the day, when it was time to go home, i was sad that i wouldn't be returning the next day. when my friend allison asked me how it went, the first thing that came to mind was, "it's nice to do something i know i'm good at."

i think that reveals a lot about what it's like to be a new mommy, or who knows, perhaps a mommy at all. you never know if you're any good at it. and for a perfectionist like me, that's very difficult. there's no one to grade you at the end of the day and tell you, "emily, that was a B- effort for today, for tomorrow i'd like you to focus on your burp technique." or "way to go, emily! you did a great job stimulating her mind today! A+" so you're constantly wondering if you're doing it "right" or if you did something that will scar the child emotionally, or if you need to work on your _________ (insert irrational mothering thing here).

it's also scary when you feel like a job involving animals, medicine, and possibly emergencies is more predictable than being at home. as a mom, i never know if what worked yesterday will work today, or if the schedule we started to develop last week will hold up this week, or what new thing she'll learn to do that will make life easier/harder, or whether the car ride will involve a sleeping child or one who screams for the entire 45 minute drive. at least with a stool check or a heartworm screen, it's always the same. it's all these little things in parenting that seem so small and insignificant but add up to a lot of stress and uncertainty. some people say to just do what the baby indicates it needs/wants, some say to set a strict schedule, some say nurse for comfort, some say don't, some say lay them down and let them cry, some say that's cruel... and the truth of it all is that it just depends on you and your baby and what works for you, and no matter what anyone says, they aren't in your shoes and they don't know what the best thing is for your child.

i felt almost guilty that the next morning i wanted to go back to work rather than spend the day with my daughter, but i guess what it comes down to is that at least at work, i know i'm good at what i'm doing. there's a right and wrong way to do things, and you can see what your actions do to your patients and the doctors, and you can tell whether or not you're any good at it.