here's the deal

so i've had a somewhat long absence (for me) from blogging because of a few major things.

1. the blog is now "friends only" - and as such, i shall explain why i did that. mostly, it was just because i didn't want anyone from work, like bosses or students, googling my name and finding this blog. and when i googled "emily korhonen", the first (and only) thing that came up was in fact, this blog. i've never had an employer look for/see a blog of mine (or at least that i know of), but i have had students find it, and that was weird. secondly and less important, i started realizing how many random people read this blog, which is awesome, and one of the things i'll miss about it being open to anyone, but i also thought it was a little creepy. and unless i keep it totally superficial (which makes a lame blog), i'm not comfortable with putting deep thoughts out there to the random public. but limiting the readership has made it sort of strange because i now know exactly who is reading it!

as a sidenote: i did have a few people who didn't comment to say that they wanted to be added, so if you know people who are confused as to why they can't read it anymore (cause they didn't see the blog to add their email address), please tell them to email me, and i'll add them!

2. we're in the last few weeks of school, which means... sheer insanity. EOG's are next week, and the year couldn't end sooner for me, but just as it ends, we'll be closing on the house, fixing it up, moving, and oh yeah - i'll be working at the vet for 3 of the 4 weeks i have off. after that i'll go back to EWA a week earlier than everyone else, so that I can leave during the teacher workday week to go to california for mark and emily's wedding, so i can rush back and start a new year - ahhh! what happened to 3 month summers??

3. the huge reason i've been extra busy...


we had a baby!

a great dane puppy!

yes, i know, we're stupid, we have enough dogs, we don't need to take on another one for time, financial, or sanity reasons... but we got one, and she's cute, and she's also sort of a demon... and i think if anyone asks me what we were thinking, i'll disown you. especially since she screamed from 4-5am this morning! ::big cheesy fake grin::

EDIT: i wrote this post several days ago, but stupid blogger wouldn't let me post pictures, so it goes up today.

coming in 3's

doesn't bad news always seem to come in 3's?

wednesday, i found out that someone from oberlin got fired, arrested, and incarcerated for felony embezzlement, thursday, i found out a friend's marriage is over (and has been for months), and then today, i found out that a girl who graduated from ewa last year was killed in an accident. the kids and many of the teachers were, obviously, quite upset.

i keep feeling like i'm so worthless in these situations. i can't do anything but feel bad for dr. joe and debbie at oberlin, i have no control over the hurt and confusion the friend who's separating is feeling, and there is nothing i can do or say to bring the young girl who was killed back to her family and friends.

then tonight, dr. page called me to come help with an emergency surgery. i was in durham when i got the message, and by the time i got there, the surgery was almost done. i put in a catheter because the other tech couldn't do it (upside down and while the animal was under anesthesia), and then while i went to get tape to tape it in, somehow it came out. being bummed about that and about missing the surgery, i spent the rest of the time trying to clean up the mess they'd made, but i had a hard time even doing that because i have no idea where anything goes anymore. i felt worthless again.

this week i just just haven't felt like i've fit in. i haven't been able to fix everyone's problems, and that weighs heavily on my heart. sometimes i feel like i'm not fitting in the teacher job, i'm no longer fitting in the vet job... i wish i could find my place! and i hope the terrible things stop happening to the people i care about.

exclusive

i've decided (and andrew has agreed) to make this blog "by invitation only" to our readers. lots of reasons for this, but i'm not going to go into it right now. if you want me to add you to continue to be able to view the blog, let me know, and I will. I'll leave this blog up for a few days before turning it private so non-daily viewers have a chance.
-emily


edit - no one said anything mean, i mostly just don't want my students to find our blog, that's all! :-)

perchance to dream...

do you remember the last time you felt inspired?
the last time you had a dream, and you knew you were chasing it?
the feeling of purpose with every step of the journey?
... yeah me neither.

there's some point when you go from idealistic teen to realistic adult. from dreaming and scheming and hoping and chasing to something quite less exciting. i chose to call it "being responsible", but i'm beginning to think it's really just "being scared" and "taking the easy way out". no, being responsible isn't easy, let's be clear, but when the options are: do what you know how to do despite feeling the decay inside, or risk it all to pursue the exciting unknown, the safe place to be is the responsible one.

my secret dream (though not so secret of a dream, i think it is a secret how much i long for it to be a reality) is to drop everything, go back to school and get a degree in something animal related, apply and get into vet school, and become a vet. not a vet tech, though that job is an incredible one (for me, anyway), but to be the actual doctor, knowing how to figure out what's wrong with the animals and knowing how to fix them.

i think if you've ever met the women in my family, you'd have to know that we're all strong, smart, caring, and sensitive women. we're all passionate, and we're all sensible enough to get the job done when we know it needs to be. i just wonder how many of us are limited - by our parents, by our roles as women, by ourselves. my mom was told when she was growing up that "little girls grow up to become nurses or teachers, which do you want to be?" so she became a nurse. my parents told me i could be whatever i wanted... and i became a teacher. i guess it was a dream of mine to be a teacher. but it was also a dream to be a performer, an actress, a dancer, a singer, a star soccer player, a world-class swimmer, an olympic gymnast, a famous equestrian, and somewhere in there, a veterinarian.

i just wonder what it is in me that said "no emily, all of those things are silly, they're not real goals, they're not real occupations, be responsible, be sensible." i know it wasn't my parents. my mom worried from the time i got the teaching fellows scholarship that i might one day regret it. my dad always said (and i think deep down he really hoped) i'd be a star forward on the unc women's soccer team. and yet, i saw this opportunity to be a teacher, to have my school paid for, and to be highly respected (or so i thought) in a prestigious fellowship, and i let all those other things fall by the wayside.

now i'm in a position where i'm too old to rely on my parents. i've graduated and can't drag out college by changing majors or adding a concentration until i'm sure of what i want out of life. i have to work for a living, like everyone else out there. but these dreams i have keep coming into my mind and messing up my attempts at contentment.

how do you know when it's time to abandon your safety net, leave the things you know, and take the plunge into possible greatness or probable doom?

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause:

green!

the red and grey was getting a little too warm-colorey for this lovely summery-spring weather we're having, so i decided that in honor of the times, we'd go green!

aaaand this is what the administrators do on friday...

a while ago, i posted a blog about what i did on friday, so this friday, when the administrators at ewa dressed up like clowns, i thought i'd share with you all once again :-) happy friday!

uninspired and title-less

forgive my amalgam of collected thoughts, but i have been uninspired to write and cannot think of any effective, summative, or creative title for this post. for this reason, i shall continue to list my thoughts as they ... are thought. yes, very stream of consciousness. such a strange word to spell, consciousness.

ok enough of that. since sunday, i have gone to work (and wanted to murder children), had lots of conferences, gone home and to bed and back to work (and wanted to murder children), had lots of conferences, gone home... and now we're at wednesday afternoon. after going home, i went to yoga (which was, of course, totally awesome), where i got my tail kicked by all the stretching and breathing and balancing... and trying not to die or bust my head open while in inversion balances! after yoga, i met paige, and we walked from the gym to meet monica at the mellow mushroom for um... i'll call it... ymlbs... ok there's no good abbreviation for this, the young married womens' bible study thing we've started.

we talked about everything from eve, to "the fall", to husbands, and other such nonsense that should not be made public. needless to say, we had a great time.

this morning, i went to work (and wanted to murder children), had lots of conferences, waited to hear the results of the gazillion inspections we were having on the property today - home, termite, septic, and well inspections - made it through what seemed like a marathon thursday, and then went home to see andrew. this was his day off for the week. the rest of it he'll be working because everyone else is taking vacation. we went and saw paige and jerry's house so that andrew could take in the lovely renovation inspiration, and then we headed off to lowes to price some more stuff out.

we cemented our color/style choices for the carpeting, double-checked the engineered hardwood prices and compared them to the ones we found at home depot, began looking into paint to cover the pepto-pink that permeates the house presently, and the most exciting thing... we picked out a tile color/type for the kitchen floor! we've decided to install that ourselves to save money, and we found the perfect tiles tonight! this is the color/type we want for most of the floorwith one similar to this as a center design.the one we chose is a little more modern with some clear glass squares and less shimmer, but i couldn't find a picture of it online.

yeah, we're going totally domestic and diy. and if we're lucky, we'll also be going somewhat green. :-) more to come with further developments!